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Things I Wish My Adoptive Parents Knew

Welcome to a 'guest book' that I encouraged the Adoptee Internet Mailing List to set up and manage in about 1997. An archive of those postings from 1998 is placed here since the Adoptee Internet Mailing List web pages are no longer online. These pages of adoptee testimony are priceless.

This was not a traditional guest book, but rather a forum for adoptees to give insight to current and prospective adoptive parents concerning life as an adoptive family. This forum was meant to provide positive, helpful information to parents, as well as a place for adoptees to explain how their lives could have been better, or worse, had their adoptive parents had the knowledge that these adoptees are sharing with you now. 

In about 1999 the book, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew," was published by Sherrie Eldridge and has continued to be a very popular publication. It is becoming an adoption classic. If you find the following testimony valuable then I recommend you go to Tapestry Books: to purchase a copy of this book.

If you would like to add your story or statement to this list please email your addition to bbetzen@openadoption.org. If you want, I can leave your email and name in the posting, or leave it anonymous as you wish.  Since I do not have such approval from those who originally posted back in 1998 to this list I have deleted identifying information until I should receive permission to post such.

The following postings underline the simple fact that truth and information sharing with the  adoptee is mandatory.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Bill Betzen LMSW (Emeritus)

 Archived Entries from 1998

Name: Kathy 
Email:
Location: OH USA 
Date: Wednesday, December 23, 1998 at 21: 59: 55 
Comments: I am an adult adoptee born 09/27/65 at Wood County Hospital in Bowling Green, OH and I am searching for my bparents. I recently found out that I was born with a mass in my brain that cannot be removed. What I wish my adoptive parents knew about me before I entered their lives is my medical backround. That bit of information would make my life so much easier. I have to undergo testing every 3 months to plot the progress of my mass and it is very painful, both physically and emotionally. My adoptive parents are the kindest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. They were simply not given any information about me at all. I found out by accident that I was adopted. I was looking through an old photo album when I was 11 and came across some pictures of small caskets. I asked my mom who they were and she told me that my parents had 3 infants die before they decided to adopt me. I realize now, as a mother myself, how painful a time that was for them, but I wish they had told me I was adopted when I was old enough to understand. Finding out that way hurt me deeply. 
 
Name: April  
Email:  
Location: Anchorage , Ak USA 
Date: Thursday, December 10, 1998 at 02: 29: 59 
Comments: I was adopted in the Philippines and my biological mother was 19 when she had me. I was put into a basket because my mother didn't know if she wanted to keep me or let me be adopted by people who'd give me a better life and not be of poverty. I was not the only one adopted into the family; my sister Marybeth was also adopted a year ahead. The Taylor family had already two grown boys of their own and Marybeth was the 1st adopted, so that makes me the youngest. Mary sometimes thinks what it would be like to see her older sisters and I wonder if I even have any brothers or sisters. I used to cry for my mother wondering what an experience it would've been. Only I wish I knew my language, important medical history, but most of all what I wish to know is who was my family? The only person mentioned was my mother Rosalina Magnaye. There have been big issues of me wanting to know of what I am and my mother can't accept that yet, she wants to be my only mother in our lives. Sometimes she'll take too many things out of proportion and she'll say things like, "You don't want me to be your mother", as she cries over one big different situation. I wish that I could find my mother and family to know things that I want to find out. I love my biological mother, knowing she thinks of me even though I have never even seen or known her... I do love my mother now and I am thankful. 
 

Email:

Date: Monday, November 30, 1998 at 21: 39: 28 
Comments: I wish my adoptive parents didn't try to forget that I was adopted. I was told when I was five years old, and then after that it was never brought up unless I had questions about it. But since I felt so disrespectful talking about it so needless to say it wasn't talked about much. If anyone ever said to my grandmother, "Isn't she your adopted granddaughter?", she wouldn't even answer them. It was like everyone avoided the issue. I don't remember how it was when I was younger, but I know as I got older I hated going to the doctor's office. I would be sitting there and the nurse would take my temperature and blood pressure and then start asking questions and I would explain that I was adopted and have no medical history that I know of. They would always look at me with such pity and then scribble a note in my file. Please try your best to get a complete medical history. And the next part is, don't take it as your son/daughter having something against you if they decide to search. I had a good life and was given all the things I ever needed. But even with the best life, there is still a void, a missing part of your heart that you long to fill. It's not anyone's fault. It doesn't make you a bad parent and it doesn't make the birth mother a horrible person. It's just a natural longing to find someone who looks like you, who does the little quirky things you do. To finally have the answers no one could ever give you. What was the delivery like? Did the birth father know? Did she want to place me or was she forced? Did she hold me? Did she name me? My main reason to search besides medical info was to tell my birth mother that I didn't hate her for giving me up and that I have always loved her. Please be honest and don't be afraid to let your child search. You will be amazed at how much more complete it makes your child feel. Love and Hugs to All 
 


Name: Eric
Email:
Location: SD US 
Date: Monday, November 30, 1998 at 01: 59: 32 
Comments: I am a reunited adoptee. I conducted my search beginning in mid 1994 and found my birth family in the spring of 1995. I'm one of the more fortunate ones. Most adoptees that are currently searching have been doing so for at least 2-3 years, and considerably longer in a lot of cases. It shouldn't be that way. We, as adoptees, should have full and complete access to our adoption records when we ask for them!! I have known that I was adopted since I was old enough to remember. At the time of my adoption (mid-1950's), being adopted didn't mean being "special." I remember the teasing and ridicule from friends. As for my adoptive family, you couldn't have asked for better. In reflection, what makes me most angry about being an adoptee is that when going to a doctor, my adoptive parents would supply the doctor with THEIR medical history, purporting it to be my own. When I was old enough to know better, I corrected the doctor's records in telling them I am adopted, and that my adoptive parents medical history has absolutely nothing to do with me. For prospective adoptive parents... please, do your adopted child the best favor you could ever do for him/her (aside from adopting them)... demand as complete a medical history as possible from the agency, from both sides of the birth parents families (going back at least 3 generations). My apologies for sounding angry, but this is a very relevant subject for me... I'm in the medical professions (Surgical Assistant), and discovered some pretty unnerving medical information from my birth sister, which pertains directly to me. I have also discussed this subject at length with the doctors and surgeons I work with, so they are aware, or more aware of this problem. They now ask all their patients if they or their child is adopted. Eric
 

Name:
Email:
Location: Ohio U.S.A. 
Date: Monday, November 9, 1998 at 08: 10: 10 
Comments: I wish that my parents had known a little about my birth parents because my adoptive mother is always telling me what I should believe in and what I should do. I think that what I am doing is fine and I haven't gotten into any real trouble. She tells me what faith to believe in. Don't you think that if I have gone through 16 -almost 17 years- of my life I think that I should know what I believe in and she shouldn't have to tell me. My adoptive parents ask me why I do the things that I do and I tell them because that is what I think is right. 
 
Name: Lisa 
Email:
Location: OR USA 
Date: Friday, November 6, 1998 at 12: 14: 58 
Comments: I was born as "baby girl --------" on July 24,1965 at the Physicians and Surgeons Hospital in Scottsdale, Arizona. My adoptive parents took me home to Lakewood, California. I remember finding papers in my adoptive mother's bedroom that said the name of my birth mother as Irene --------. When I was of age and asked her for information to help me search. Those papers were not in the envelope she gave me. I had a pretty normal life until my adoptive father died when I was 10 years old. My adoptive mother turned ugly! I no longer was "daddy's little girl" because he was gone. My adoptive brother ended up getting all of the attention and I was forced to grow up really fast. Emotional, verbal, and physical abuse soon came into play. A few years ago I separated myself from the so called "family". My adoptive mother and I rarely speak, and my adoptive brother and I never speak. I have no family other than my own. I have three great kids! : -) I have always felt as though I never fit in, like I was taken from one area and thrown in to a totally foreign area. Now, I'm having to find my way back. It seems very overwhelming. I don't know where to start. I just started searching the internet. My best friends all pitched in and gave me a computer to help me. My friends make wonderful family members!! Hopefully, someday I can find my birth mother. My adoptive mother told me that they had a really hard time getting her to sign the papers at the last minute. Maybe somebody will search for me. If somebody can help me out, any help will be appreciated! Please e mail me with any info! 
 
Name: Patrick 
Email:
Location: Or USA 
Date: Thursday, November 5, 1998 at 17: 10: 50 
Comments:   I was adopted from Providence Children's center (Sisters of Providence), in Portland Oregon, about 2 months after my birth on January 9, 1961. From the first days I can remember, my parents made it clear to me that I had been adopted, but that they had been given two gifts most families never dream of: First, to help young children having children by offering their offspring a normal chance at life, while the parents a chance to finish growing up. Secondly, by my adoptive parents being able to CHOOSE to start a family, something they would not have done if I( and my adopted sister and brother) had not been sent into their care. I have nothing but love and admiration for my Parents. My life has been filled with its share of wonder and joy, and I would not EVER change that. Yet because of my fear of deeply hurting them, I have always merely entertained the idea of looking for my biological parents. No way would I want to downplay the importance of the parents I know. So I only dreamt. I am now 37, with children of my own, and it was my mother who suggested that they would not be upset if I were to look for the parents I never knew. Yes, adopted children are often quite different then their adoptive families, interests, likes and dislikes, habits, as well as medical history. I know this applies to biological children, too, but it has always seemed more pronounced in the adoptees I have met, no matter how often their parent's friends mistakenly commented on their 'biological similarities'. Ha, the stories I could tell! It was a friend who finally convinced me that, perhaps, my biological parents might be entertaining the thought of looking for me. After years of convincing myself that they were adults with a secret to hide, maybe from families they loved as much as I loved mine, I suddenly came to the realization that most people try to live with the truth. Perhaps they were just as quick to tell their future mates that they had conceived a child once, as I am to say that I am adopted. There is no shame in that. This is my first step in beginning a search that may never reach fruition. Let God make the choice, I can live with it. All I can do is help. I have many parents to thank personally for this life I live, maybe I can prove that the word 'Thanks' isn't forgotten that frequently. 
 
Name: Scott
Email:
Location: Mb Canada 
Date: Thursday, November 5, 1998 at 13: 26: 11 
Comments: Hi , I'm a 24 yr. old adoptee with a request for other adoptees. I would like to ask any one with a an adoption breakdown (being given back) experience to contact myself and share their story, or at least indicate that- Yes, others have experienced this situation. I'm really starting to feel isolated in this experience! 
 
Name: Cathy 
Email:
Location: OH USA 
Date: Sunday, November 1, 1998 at 16: 54: 24 
Comments: I am 24 years old and have been seriously thinking about initiating a search for my bparents for over a year. I guess I am lucky in that I was adopted through Catholic Charities who will essentially do the search for me. I'm just scared. Scared of being rejected and finding out the answers to all of my questions. My adoptive parents don't know anything about how I feel. My husband is supportive, but can't really understand. I would love to have someone to talk to. What I wish my adoptive parents knew? That I am now an adult who is yearning to have some inner peace. As a child, they could have helped me achieve some of that if they had only talked to me. 
 
Name: Kevin
Email:
Location: MO USA 
Date: Wednesday, October 28, 1998 at 03: 46: 51 
Comments: My life as an adoptee has been wonderful. I could not have asked for better, kinder, more loving adoptive parents than the ones I have had. My parents told me I was adopted from the beginning. I am grateful to them for this. As I reached my early 20's my mother felt that I was at the age I could understand and emotionally deal with the facts of my adoption. She gave me a booklet concerning my adoption, court proceedings and such. Recently, with a little luck and using the interne,t I have been able to locate 8 of my 9 half brothers and sisters and my birth mother. My birth father passed away about 5 months ago. It has been a wonderful experience for me to meet them and include them in my life. It has brought some closure to my life and has answered many questions for me. I am, however, still looking for 1 more sister. She was born on Nov. 12, 1960 at St. Mary's of the Plains hospital in Lubbock, Tx. by the name of --------------------. Her birth mother's name is ----------------------. She was immediately put up for adoption and taken home by her adoptive parents within days of her birth. If anyone knows of her or has any information regarding her please let me know. I would be very appreciative. Sincerely, Kevin
 
Name: Lisa
Email:
MD U.S.A. 
Date: Tuesday, October 27, 1998 at 09: 30: 53 
Comments: I was born in 1967 and adopted out immediately. My adoptive parents (mom and dad) went without when I had, stayed up with me when I was sick, gave me all the essentials, celebrated my wedding with me, and even gave me freedom to search for my birth family. I don't know what my life would be if I had not been given up. That thought never crossed my mind. My advice to adoptive parents is don't keep the adoption a secret. I've known all my life. It actually made me feel kind of special. It used to have a stigma attached, but not anymore. If your child does want to search, give them the freedom to do so. They might surprise you more than you think with the love they have for you. Please know that their search has nothing to do with you. Their search is to put some kind of closure in their life. Some people don't feel the need to know, or feel anger, but most seem to be curious. When I met my birth family, I had no preconceived ideas. It went pretty much how I figured it might. I am definitely glad to have them in my life, along with the LARGE SLEW of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Okay, now for the second part of my entry. I am looking for my brother. I am one of six siblings. Five girls and one boy. He was born in 1954 in Wisconsin (I think Milwaukee). He was taken to Chicago, Illinois in late 1955 or early 1956 and given up for adoption. His original birth certificate had no name, just a number. My oldest sister said he was never told he was adopted. Because of the fact that she seemed to be so close to her (our) mother, she put the birth records away indefinitely. So, I have no real information, just what I've stated here. Does this sound like you or someone you know? 
 
Name: Marilyn
Email:
Location: mi usa 
Date: Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 21: 01: 06 
Comments: I am an adoptee and a birth mother, two sides of the triad. My daughter found me in 1993 and it is a wonderful relationship. Her adoptive parents are very accepting of me and have welcomed me into their family. My daughter has encouraged me to look for my own mother, her grandmother. On 8-17-98 my mail came, I got a break. The death cert. I had requested for my grandmother came and had a lot of information that I traced immediately. I called the cemetery to see who owned the plot and they told me that there was another buried next to my grandmother but with a different last name. They put me on hold and came back and said the name I had never wanted to hear, my mother's. Through that one document I found the names of my mother's two sisters, --------------- and -------------------------. Neither of which I have been able to find yet, but they would be 82 and 88. My mother was 35 when I was born and would have been 84 if alive today. I was profoundly sad at the news and the fact that I was so deeply affected was due in part to having "known" my mother through my search. My wish is to either know someone who knew my mother or to make contact with any of the surviving members of the family. Helen had children and lived in Bethesda, Md., the town in which I grew up, in the late 40's early 50's. I was born on 12-15-49 in Washington, D.C. at the Florence Crittendon Home, which was the same one that I was in during my own pregnancy. My mother was 35 when I was born. I feel time is running out for me to find anyone still living who might have known any of these families. I know Katherine (could be with a "C" also) and her husband had a tavern in Pasadena, Md. but it burned down. They moved to Crisfield, Md. and ----------------------worked for the prison. That was in the early 70's. I don't know anything about ------------------'s family other than there were children. One of the most interesting things I have discovered and I have heard this from other adoptees, that many odd coincidences have presented themselves during their search. Synchronicity, dates, names, places talents and tendencies, all manage to find themselves threaded through lives that don't touch until reunion. I have had so many on both sides that it is mind boggling. It gives me a true sense that there is more at work than mere coincidence. We are meant to know! Like I have read elsewhere, DON'T GIVE UP! 
 
Name: Mary 
Email:  
KS USA 
Date: Tuesday, August 25, 1998 at 18: 04: 10 
Comments:   I am an adoptee who has been very happily reunited with my birth mother and siblings for 3 years. I once heard the phrase that "It is very hard to find peace in your life until you find all of the pieces." That is so true. One thing I wish my adoptive parents would understand is that an adoptee must know about their birth parents. It is not a choice, it is a very powerful need! My adoptive mother was very insecure about the fact that I did not belong to her. Therefore, she said many mean things about my birth mother. The result was I developed very low self esteem as her hateful remarks reflected on me. Anyone who is considering adopting a child needs to be very grateful to the birth parents. Birth parents are making the ultimate sacrifice and adoptive parents are benefiting from it. As an adoptive parent, you owe it to your child to be open and honest. And please, adopt openly! You child WILL want to know someday and you should be able to provide the facts for him/her. The word 'adopted' was rarely spoken as I grew up and when it was, it was whispered. I felt ashamed to be adopted. Admit that your child is different from you. Do not tell people how much your child looks like you or another family member, that is impossible! Do not give the pediatrician your medical history as if it belonged to your child as well. It does not! Accept the fact that you did not give birth to the child. In other words, please accept reality. That is what I wish my adoptive parents would have done. I did not feel special to be adopted. The first time I really felt special in my life was when my birth mom took me back into her arms after 26 years and hugged me until we couldn't cry anymore. Please let your child know that it is OK to want to know. And to anyone out there searching, DO NOT GIVE UP! The rewards are so worth the effort. 
 
Name:
Email:
Location: Kansas City, MO USA 
Date: Monday, August 24, 1998 at 14: 30: 08 
Comments: It has taken me a long, long time of searching and reflecting to really come to the conclusion that adoption is wonderful. I was adopted because my birth mother died when I was almost 2 years old. I was actually adopted at the age of 7, but lived with the same family the entire time. Some of the things that hurt me as an adoptee were secrets and hidden information. One of my sisters had letters that had my adoptive mother's hand written message of "return to sender". I was also singled out as their "adopted" son. My father was a preacher. While they tried to make me feel special, they were actually making me feel different. 17 years went by and my birth siblings found and contacted me. Since then I have spent time traveling the midwest to once again visit my birth siblings. I know this may have bothered my adoptive parents and family. While my adoptive parents have been quite supportive and encouraged me my whole life and have raised me with good morals, etc. there is and has always been a void. I have recently come to terms that this void is not bad or good..... but just is. Like having poor eyesight. I need to wear glasses.... they are a part of my life. Wearing contacts does not take away the fact that I have poor eyesight, just the presentation to the public about it. My suggestion to adoptive parents is to know that your child will probably have this void. Don't hide it, don't avoid it. Embrace it. Let them know that you support them and will help them if possible if one day they want to search. Not every child will have this desire. But it helps to know that if the time comes, the support will be there. It's helpful to know this ahead of time. I think I would have enjoyed a chat with my adoptive parents on this very subject. Remember though, no matter what life deals you, it's how you react that makes the difference. I would enjoy discussing this with others. My home page is listed above and you can find me on ICQ from there. 
 
Name: Michelle 
Email:
Location: Grand Forks, ND USA 
Date: Thursday, August 20, 1998 at 15: 04: 29 
Comments: I wish my parents would have understood that I am not ashamed of being adopted and it is not something we have to keep quiet about. They were originally very honest with me and my adoptive brother, but as soon as we knew, the conversation stopped. I wish that other people who are NOT adopted would not try so hard to "comfort" me when they find out. As a culture we truly deal with adoption very poorly. Please don't tell us how lucky we are to have been adopted into nice families. That only says to a child that s/he didn't deserve to have a nice family... that s/he should be not expect to be treated as kindly and lovingly as children who remain with their biological families. It is so hard to grow up anyway, all of us should be raised with the message and belief that we deserve good things simply because we are human and we are alive. To call any child lucky takes away that inherent right. 
 
Name: Suzanne 
Location: Houston, TX 
Date: Thursday, August 20, 1998 at 11: 39: 19 
Comments: For prospective adoptive parents who are exploring and educating themselves before adopting, this is the perfect site to see the reality of adoption. If the pain you read here from adoptees makes you uncomfortable, you may not be quite ready to tackle adoption. I am an adoptee blessed with wonderful parents who this past week stood by my side at my birth mother's grave. At this late stage in life, they know how deeply I love them so when they learned the anguish I felt from having never known my birth mother, they supported me through my search. Some adoptees, like me, have unwanted emotions ingrained in us and I slowly learned that no amount of denial or suppression could make these emotions disappear. When I finally faced this, it was very painful, I felt as if I was being ungrateful to my parents. Luckily they are supportive and secure with our relationship, and as we stood by my birth mother's grave I couldn't have been more grateful. With their full support, I was finally able to put closure on this and move forward with my life. My parents are nothing less than exceptional and I know my birth mother, who was never able to meet us, was looking down on us that day, overjoyed that I had a beautiful adoptive family. My parents helped me pick up the pieces to my puzzle so I could move on. There's nothing more an adoptee can hope for. 
 
Name: Lisa 
Email:
Location: TX USA 
Date: Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 15: 09: 57 
Comments: I am a 36 year old speech/language pathologist. I have a wonderful husband, 4 biological children, 2 adopted children and 5 foster children. That's right 11 kids. I am writing to let my adoptive parents know that no one could have had a better childhood or life. I was so lucky to be adopted by 40 year old parents that adored, guided and nurtured me beyond measure. I always knew I was adopted. I was adopted at the age of 6 days. My parents supported any goal I set for myself, so when I decided to search for my birth mother they helped in every way. My medical history is very important because of my 4 biological children. It is a little frightening to be unaware of that history. I would love to talk to any one interested in adoption or any other adopted individuals. I was born in Amarillo, Texas on June --, 1962. My family teases me about being a true Texan----- because everything is big in Texas, like my large family. The truth is I love children and have felt so blessed to be in the wonderful family I belong to. It just seemed I should have a large family, adopt and love other children in the same situation as I was once in. 
 
Name: Kara 
Email:
Location: Memphis, TN USA 
Date: Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 03: 08: 17 
Comments: I am an adoptee who has been searching for over a year now. I know the name and address of my birth mother but no information about my birth father. I would like to encourage anyone interested in adoption to do so. There are a lot of children out there who need a good home. I love my family, but I too felt an emptiness, a longing to know who I was, who I looked like, etc. I am writing to ask for advice. My birth mother has been contacted by 2 others on my behalf, and I sent her a letter explaining that I just needed some answers. I am not looking for a relationship, unless that is what she wants. I want to know my medical history and my ethnic background. She has not responded and it has been over 7 months. Should I write her again, or should I try to call her myself? I am open to all suggestions. 
 
Name: Deb 
Email:
Location: Toronto, Canada 
Date: Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 23: 13: 51 
Comments: I have found this site to be anything but encouraging, and it is making me seriously doubt adopting a child. I cannot have biological children. My husband and I have always been quite comfortable with the idea of adoption, and are about to start our home study. We have two adopted cousins in our extended family, and I have a brother through foster care, so opening our family to adoption seemed a relatively 'normal' thing to do. I had been searching for a site like this, because I wanted to hear adoptee stories, to reassure myself it would be good for the child, and not just satisfying our need for children. I have spent two days reading over all of the entries, and was overwhelmed by the number of stories about feeling different, about having something missing, about how adoptive parent's love was not enough. This will sound selfish, but I don't think I want to hear that from my child, but it seems inevitable from the stories posted here. I am not threatened by the idea of a birth parent. We have been planning an open adoption, with some form of ongoing birth parent contact established. We always wanted the adoption and information surrounding it to be discussed, and a de facto part of our child's life. Now I am unsure if that is enough, or if my child would grow up still feeling incomplete, or abandoned, or that our love was simply not enough. I would be devastated to read a message from my child on a site like this in 15 or twenty years that said "don't get me wrong, my adoptive parents are great, but..." We are at the beginning of our understanding of adoption, and I am avidly seeking information. Anyone with insights, please let me know. 
 
Name: Lori 
Email:  
Location: London, UK 
Date: Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 19: 25: 41 
Comments: I'm a 33 year old transracial adoptee, reunited with birth parents (with mixed results, but no regrets!). Today's prospective adoptive parents will likely be considering older children rather than healthy white babies, who rarely need home-finding these days. No doubt you will already have been told that adoption is in principle to be done according to the best interests of the child, not according to the "need" of the prospective parents. Such children urgently need love and support to help them recover from the experiences that have led to their current situation. Depending on the child, you may need the continuing support of social service professionals - at least in the UK (where I now live) that's now widely recognized and promoted. Bless you for wanting to meet the needs of a vulnerable child. Good luck! I hope to do it myself someday as well. 
 
Name: cathy
Email:
Location: ON Canada 
Date: Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 12: 57: 58 
Comments: I am currently 40 years old, and was adopted when I was just about a year old. After searching for many years, I have recently been reunited with my birth mother. I have not met her, or my brother and sister, as they all live thousands of miles away. My birth mother seems like a very nice person and yet I feel very overwhelmed by her. When I talk to her on the phone she always wants to know when I am "coming home".. The thing is that I have a home with my adoptive parents, and this is the only home I have known. I don't want to hurt my birth mother's feelings. I do want to meet her and the others, but I need somehow to let her know that that will never be "home" with them. Has anyone ever had this problem.. I am desperate to talk to someone about a lot of my feelings about the reunion issues, but there is no one in my city to talk to... PLEASE HELP!!! 
 
Name:
Email:
Location: Framingham, MA USA 
Date: Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 22: 36: 39 
Comments: I was born January 18, 1966 in Boston. I was told very little by my adoptive parents, basically that I was chosen, which made me very special. They knew very little about my birth parents. I do have my amended birth certificate as well as my adoption certificate. The only identifying information on my adoption certificate is the last name Bennett. I did do a search myself. I went to the adoption agency (Jewish family and Children's services of Boston) and I was given a lot of non-identifying information. With that information, I went to the Bureau of Vital Statistics and found my birth mother. It was very interesting. I'm leaving out a lot of information to make this brief. I have yet to contact my birth mother. I know where she lives and I know she is married with children. I need some support to make that step. My adoptive mother is supportive and says she'll help me. I guess when I'm ready I'll do it! 
 
Name: Susan
Email:
Location: Rochester, NY USA 
Date: Friday, August 7, 1998 at 20: 35: 59 
Comments: I was born Michele ----------- on June 18, 1964 and turned over to the Rochester Maternal & Adoption Services, Inc. for placement. First of all, I love my adoptive parents with all my heart!! I always knew I was adopted. But, I am also told that I used to cry for "my other mommy" or I would say "I want my mommy" when my adoptive mother was right next to me. She was very understanding, and again would explain how special I was because I was "chosen", but that void remains in my life to this day. The biggest thing that has meant something to me is my name. Not many adoptees get a first, middle and last name at birth. It's important to know that just that connection - that knowing, that my birth mom loved me enough not only to just give me a life she couldn't, but that she loved me enough to "claim" me a bit with a name of her choice. So thanks mom! I hope we meet someday! 
 
Name:
Email:  
Location: Pleasanton, CA USA 
Date: Friday, August 7, 1998 at 13: 18: 39 
Comments: I am a birth mother twice! I have a beautiful little girl who will turn 13 in September of this year - and a precious baby boy who will be 3 in September of this year. Both adoptions were open. I wrote back and forth to the adoptive mom of my daughter through the entire pregnancy. After the birth of my daughter, the adoptive parents got scared that I would try to take her away from them, and cut off all contact. That was very painful because I had given her to them because I love her SO much - I wanted her to have a life I wasn't able to offer her. When she was eight years old, I finally wrote to the adoptive parents through a mutual friend. I had just seen the "Baby Jessica" thing on television, and had ended up crying in the fetal position because the child being torn from her adoptive parents arms was so vivid and so awful. I assured them that nothing could ever make me want to take my daughter from them. I would love to know her at some point when she's old enough. I have never loved anyone more than I love her. I didn't know how to describe it at the time - but I was completely overwhelmed with love for her and while I was carrying her - I didn't know the slightest thing about her. I didn't even know if she was a boy or a girl - I just knew I adored her with every fiber of my being. After sending the letter - I received a picture of her (finally) and a wonderful letter from the adoptive mom giving me a "window into her world." She described her personality and thanked me for the gift to their family. My daughter actually sent me a birthday present a few years ago. It's still not a completely open relationship - because she is very young - but I know they're raising her to know how special she is to be adopted - to have two moms who love her - one that loved her so much she gave her to a family who could care for her, and one that opened her heart and her home to take her in. My son lives near me - and the adoptive dad was actually my counselor when I was weeping over the loss of my daughter - so when I got pregnant, I asked if they would want my child. They stay in touch with me very regularly and want me to be a part of his growing up because they know about the pain I went through during the eight years that I wasn't able to get any word about her. They had tried for twelve years to have a child of their own, and had lost several pregnancies. When they knew they were going to be able to adopt mine, they became pregnant and it worked! They now have a family of two sons - four months apart. I get to see my son from time to time - and when I call their home, I hear him in the background singing my name. He loves to say my name - and it's the most precious thing I've ever heard in my life. Several of my friends are adopted and when they originally found out that I was a birth mom - the first thing they always ask me is if I loved my children - and why would I give them away if I loved them. I know they're thinking their moms just got rid of them, and they have this ache over being abandoned somehow. To anyone who's adopted - please know that it's the most difficult, selfless thing to carry a child - feel that baby moving inside you - feel the little kicks - feel love for your child swell up in you until it's completely overwhelming - then give birth (not a small accomplishment) - and then place your baby in the arms of someone who can provide for them better than you can - and leave the hospital with nothing. A birth mother simply couldn't go through all of that without enormous love. I hope that encourages those out there searching for their birth mom - I know every situation is different, and I know I can only speak for myself - but I can't imagine a love that is larger than wanting the absolute best for your child, and realizing that maybe what is best is more than you're capable of providing. 
 
Name: Chris ---------------
Location: CO USA 
Date: Monday, August 3, 1998 at 17: 50: 49 
Comments: Howdy. I'm a 32 year old adoptee who has been reunited with both his birth parents. I started searching for them in mid-1997, and found them by march of 1998. It was a hard thing to do in the beginning, because no one really understood why I wanted to search. Reason 1 - I'm now a father and had no real medical history. Reason 2 - I wanted to see who I looked like and what I might look like when I grow older. Reason 3 - I wanted to know the story behind how I came to be. Reason 4 - Everyone wants to know.. can't shut it off.. no matter what, there are always little questions in the back of your mind. Well I happened to have flack from my adoptive family, but I kept assuring them that I wasn't looking to replace them. And I didn't. I appreciate my adoptive family.. no matter what has gone on in the past. I found my Birth Mother.. and was accepted whole-heartedly. After I found her, It took me only a few days and I found my Birth Father. He also accepted me 100%. Now I have a huge family (I did before.. I was adopted by an Italian/German family) I've got 7 more brothers and sisters for a total of 8, and 6 new uncles. They've all taken me in and made me members of their respective clans. I'm lucky.. and so are my families. Being adopted isn't a disease, or a thing to be ashamed of. We are all human, and make mistakes (I'm one ;> ). Get rid of the hate and rage.. just live and appreciate what you DO have. If you must, go and find, learn.. but it's not going to change your life. 
 
Name: Virginia 
Email:  
Location: OR USA 
Date: Sunday, August 2, 1998 at 15: 42: 26 
Comments: I was born Sept. --,1949 in Anchorage Alaska. At the age of 47 I found out through curious searching that I was adopted. I was an "only child" My adoptive parents never did, nor does my adoptive mother having any intentions of talking about the adoption. I did find my birth mother on my 3rd phone call. We talked for 4 hours. I have a full blooded sister 13 months younger. We talk all the time. I have two half brothers and a half sister. My adoptive mother is 83 years old, and my adoptive father passed away 20 years ago. My adoptive mother keeps telling me how upset and devastated she is that I found out. I am having trouble dealing with LIES. My birth family loves me and my birth mother has told me everything about me. I am having trouble dealing with the fact that the 2 people I trusted till the end of time have lied to me all of my life and for their own selfish reasons. I should have been enrolled to receive the Native Claims Settlement Act entitlements, but was not. My birth mother is 1/2 Athabaskan Indian and 1/2 white. I am very proud of my Athabaskan heritage. I only wish that I had been told the truth. 
 
Name: WSM 
Email:
Location:  Va USA 
Date: Tuesday, July 28, 1998 at 23: 11: 46 
Comments: As an adoptee and the parent of two wonderful adopted children, the best info that I can give is to start in the beginning to explain adoption and NEVER keep it a secret. I don't know when I first heard the word "adoption" and if you were to ask my children when they first learned about their adoption they couldn't tell you, other than saying, "I always knew!" Always be willing to answer their questions and always let them know that if a time comes up that they want to search you'll do everything you can to help them. I know, I am 58 and just now trying to find my birth parents. It is difficult, as I was born Bruce ------------------- in Trenton, NJ to ------------------ . Put out to foster homes several times and finally into the New Jersey Home Society of Trenton. I was finally adopted by a wonderful couple. Now for health reasons I need to know any information I can. I do know I have half birth siblings and have lots of info about my birth parents. New Jersey really hurts those of us who want/need to know things of our birth parents. I'd be happy to hear from anyone who has contacts or ideas on where to go next. 
 
Name: Suzy 
Location: Houston, Tx 
Date: Wednesday, July 22, 1998 at 11: 04: 46 
Comments: My adoptive parents gave me the best that life can offer and I love them dearly, but they could never have known, nor did I, that I would ever have the need to know, love & grieve my birth mother, Sarah. I regret that I will never know Sarah because she died 5 years ago, before I started my search. I'm sorry to say I never thought about her much & never thought much about her, a woman who would abandon a baby. I was happy with my adoptive parents and family. Little did I know that at 35 yr. old I would desperately need my medical history and little did I know that my records contained the most beautiful, touching letter my birth mother wrote after my birth--she truly loved me. My ignorance & naivety robbed me of any thoughts of searching for her and the system conned us both. I am blessed with very special adoptive parents, but I would have been equally blessed if I could have reunited with Sarah. If only I had known what I should have been encouraged to know. If only I had known birth mothers are very special, and not terrible, unthinkable secrets. If only I were much wiser much younger, I would have known Sarah. 
 
Name: Denise 
Email:  
Location:  Utah USA 
Date: Monday, July 20, 1998 at 18: 38: 09 
Comments: My husband was adopted at birth. I never realized how good he had it until reading some of the letters here. He has always known he was adopted, but has never felt less than whole. He has never felt as if he needed to search for his birth parents. He grew up happy, well adjusted, and very much loved. I only wish more adopted children could have as wonderful a life as he has had. Because of the love and support he has from his adoptive parents, he feels strongly about adopting children of his own. To show them the same love and understanding that he always had--and still has. I thank his birth mother for giving him up. Her selfless act insured him of a happy, healthy life that has made him a wonderful husband and father. Whoever you are, thank you. And to everyone else who feels as though a "piece" is missing...I hope you find it. 
 
Name: Susan
Email:
Location: Dayton, Oh United States 
Date: Sunday, July 19, 1998 at 11: 43: 38 
Comments:   I'm happy to hear about so many happy adoptees. However not all of us were that lucky. I thought for the longest time that being adopted didn't matter until one day I had two children of my own and suddenly it became all to clear to me that no matter what problems faced me, I would never leave my children. I hope that all new adoptive parents will do their children a favor and provide them with an open adoption. This doesn't mean you have to let the birth mother have any say in how you raise your child - she gave up that right when she signed the papers - but make sure that your child has the option of knowing their family history. Every time I go to a new doctor I have to watch the look on their face after they ask for a medical history and I have to tell them none is available. They always apologize like they have just found out some dirty little secret. The best thing an adoptive parent can do for their child is to KNOW the reason you are adopting. Be able to tell the child everything when they ask. And never make them feel like they owe you for rescuing them from some unknown life. I wake up some mornings and I wonder who I look like, and why was I so different from my adoptive family. If environment plays such an important role in life, why was I so different from my brother. Who was the biological child of my parents. You must go into adoption with your eyes wide open and realize that this was a choice for you but that we adoptees had no say in the matter. Even as adults we still have no right to know who we are or where we came from. This is something that most people take for granted - that is not the case for adult adoptees. So be open and honest with your children and never down play how they feel even if it hurts you. Remember that this was not a choice they made. They may even feel like nothing more than property that can be bought and sold. 
 
Name: BETH 
Email:

Date: Thursday, July 16, 1998 at 15: 45: 56 
Comments: That my searching for my birth parents is not intended to hurt them. I have a need to fill this hole in my life. I love them dearly. 
 


Name: Jennifer 
Email:
Location: Arlington Heights, IL 
Date: Wednesday, July 15, 1998 at 21: 48: 44 
Comments: I must be naive, because I am surprised and saddened by some of the stories here. For any parents looking to adopt, I would say, go for it! I am 18 and was adopted as an infant (10/7/79, in Chicago, IL, adopted through JCB, just in case my birth mother, Margaret --------------- should see this -- I am looking for her!). My parents (adoptive parents) told me from the day they brought me home, "We are so lucky that we got to adopt you." This way they told me the truth and gave me the message that adoption made our family special, rather than wrong. They also never withheld any information from me and are completely supportive of my searching for my birth mother. I feel they have done the best job any parents, biological or adoptive could ever do, and I also know that my birth mother did the hardest and most selfless thing by giving me up! Just a success story for anyone reading. 
 
Name: Jennifer 
Location: WI USA 
Date: Tuesday, July 14, 1998 at 13: 12: 07 
Comments: I am a 27 year old mother of one. I was adopted at birth in Madison, WI. My birth mother was a school teacher and her last name was Johnson. I have fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. I stand only 5'3". Horses, writing and singing are my passions. If my mother could read this I'd want her to know that my parents raised me well. I've known I was adopted since I was four years old. That is one thing I would change. I was always different. Most people don't understand what is like to cry every Mother's day and not know why. Most people can't understand the ache in my heart when I realized the woman who carried and nurtured me for nine months, gave me away. Now, when I look in the beautiful blue eyes of my little girl and kiss her good night, I wonder...does she ache too? For those of you looking to adopt, I applaud you. I also caution you, that a child can love you and still feel as if something is missing. Don't ever feel less than a wonderful parent. Give them the understanding that they need to heal. 
 
Name: Robin 
CA 
Date: Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 20: 07: 41 
Comments: I forgot one thing I wished to emphasize in my previous posting - which is that if adoptive parents were to push for fairness and respect in adoption law - change would DEFINITELY happen. Adoptees are infants or children, surrendering mothers are typically young and powerless - and the ONLY part of the 'triad' who can really make a difference is the adoptive parent. Certainly, to lobby or work toward fair practice in surrender and information available to adoptees and birth families after the fact - would take the adoptive parent's willingness to 'give up' the overwhelming 'power' and 'upper hand' that they now enjoy. Still, I think adoptive parents/prospective adoptive parents ARE capable of this altruism, and hope to see the day that they begin to make headway in helping the efforts that until now, are overwhelmingly represented by adoptees and birth families. Thanks for taking the time to read my views/thoughts. rjb 
 
Name: Robin -------------- 
Email:  
CA 
Date: Sunday, July 12, 1998 at 19: 56: 38 
Comments: I am an adult adoptee, reunited for 7 years with all of my family. I always felt 'alone' and 'different', although I do not believe that this has to do with my adoptive parents upbringing of me. It just has to do with ME. I think that just as people are different, adoptees are different - depending on the person, being adopted will affect them in different ways, to different 'severities'. I wish adoptive parents would NOT see adopting as a 'fix' to being infertile, and to acknowledge BEFORE adopting, that the adoptee is NEVER going to be the child they never had. And that nurture does NOT supersede nature. And I wish adoptive parents would deal with their insecurities/etc, and lobby to make adoption laws FAIR - so that mothers are not coerced out of their children, and that when an adoptee wants/needs to know - whether the adoptee is 5 or 10 or 22 - he/she can make a simple request and get ALL records. Searching should NOT have to happen, there should not be so many people trying to find. Everyone - birth family members and adoptees - should simply be given any and all information as soon as they ask for it. 
 
Name: Heather --------
Email: mailto:%20hturtle@hotmail.com
Location: Eugene, OR USA 
Date: Friday, July 3, 1998 at 21: 55: 58 
Comments: I'm an adoptive mom. I read a lot of the entries and was amazed at the amount of people searching for their birth parents. I'm glad to say my daughter is in an open adoption, she gets to visit, phone, and send letters to her biological mother. I received her at 3 1/2 and I couldn't imagine taking her in and dismissing her biological family. My only regret is that after I received my daughter, her biological mother had two more children and they were placed in a closed adoption due to safety reasons of their father. My daughter's biological father didn't cause any threats and has visits as well. So I've seen the pain my daughter has gone through losing these sisters after visiting with them for 5 years, before the adoption finalized for them. My advice to adoptive families is openness, children understand more than you think. For birth mothers and fathers, not all adoptive families don't want you around they may just not know how to communicate. Remember for all the child is the main issue. Adjust as needed for their sake. 
 
Name: Deborah 
Email:  
Location:   AZ USA 
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 1998 at 19: 27: 22 
Comments: I wish my adoptive parents had never made the choice to adopt. My childhood was filled with neglect and abuse. What I would like my birth parents to know...I survived and am doing very well and I thank them every day for choosing adoption over abortion. I don't have any names yet...just started my search. I was born in the Phoenix area (5/25/65) and adopted at birth through an agency called "Family Services". I do know that my birth mother was approximately 16-17 years old and unwed. The doctor's name was Dr. Eicher or Iker (not sure of the spelling). I had red hair in infancy that darkened up in my teen years. I am very fair skinned, freckles and blue eyes. If you placed a child up for adoption around that time please email me. 
 
Name: Sherrie 
Email:  
Location:  BC Canada 
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 1998 at 14: 40: 27 
Comments: I wish my birth mom knew how hard life has been without her! No one to know the past with. 
 
Name: Autumn --------------
Email:
Location: Birmingham, , AL USA 
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 1998 at 12: 07: 16 
Comments: Being adopted sometimes is really a hassle, especially when the parents who adopted you get divorced and remarried to other people. Then you have a biological set of parents, adoptive parents, and stepparents. I know this seems silly, but it seems that a day doesn't go by and you are having to explain something related to your family, and you have to explain which parent, and no one understands and you have to go through your whole life story to everyone. Never, ever hide anything from an adoptee know matter how old, how young, whatever. If they are old enough to start wondering about their past, where they came from, and who they are, they are definitely old enough to hear the truth and the only thing that you can tell them to hurt them is nothing at all. 
 
Name: Nance 
Email:  
Location: Savannah, NY usa 
Date: Friday, June 26, 1998 at 13: 30: 41 
Comments: I wish that my adoptive family had been more open about my being adopted.... I think its a wrong thing to not talk about adoption, if it's not discussed, I think the adopted child feels that there is something wrong with being adopted, like it's a bad thing... So Ii think its a positive thing to let adoptive children know why there are with you, etc.. and make it a special thing to share with adoptive parents.
 
Name: Lisa  
Email:  
Location:  CA USA 
Date: Monday, June 1, 1998 at 23: 31: 37 
Comments: I am very grateful to all members of my family, adoptive and birth, and I hope someday to have the opportunity to share my great respect for my birth parents face to face! I feel very fortunate to have my family and don't feel they could be better parents. I have a sister who is my parent's natural child, and an adoptive brother, and I can see that there is truly no difference in the love they give all of us! I was told since before I can remember that I was adopted - how that meant that my birth family loved me so much that they wanted me to have more than they could provide. I encourage all who are considering adoption as an option for their unborn child or to adopt to do it! I say my birth parents gave birth to me and then gave me life by placing me in a great home! If you are searching for a daughter born in L.A. area 6/10/67 it might be me! 
 
Name: Tracy ---------
Email: -
Location: Santa Rosa, CA USA 
Date: Monday, June 1, 1998 at 22: 44: 07 
Comments: I am a 26 year old adoptee. I have known my birth parents (birth mother and birth father are married) for 5 years now. And, although I am certainly grateful for the life I have lead, being adopted is something that I agonize over often. I guess the only thing I wish my adoptive parents did as I was growing up, and now, is to acknowledge reality. I was told I was adopted when I was 12 years old. I don't know anything about being an adoptive parent, but I know how it feels when you find out that the people you thought were your blood for 12 years, are not. Please let your children know early. There is no denying it, we are different. Although I know not telling me was done out of well meaning, it made me feel like a dirty secret. That if relatives knew I was adopted, it would make me less of their family or something. I still feel that way when adoptive relatives are surprised to hear about my "other family". I wish it could be open and more comfortable, that's all. Although I love my adoptive parents very much, and my birth parents very much, I will never have peace of mind about being adopted. It's not a selfish thing, but a very real and honest thing. You can have the most positive and rewarding life (which I try to do!!), however, it never gets easier to choke down the feeling of being given away. It may have been the right decision at the time, and a very selfless one, also, but , nevertheless, I was still given away, and that will never change. I guess what I would tell adoptive parents, is to always be open and honest with your children's feelings. Don't romanticize adoption, be honest about it. 
 
Name: Janice  --------
Email:  
Location:    B.C. Canada 
Date: Saturday, May 30, 1998 at 16: 22: 18 
Comments: Hello, I am a birth mom who spent 2 hrs reading all the stories in this site. Some are very eye opening and some are heart wrenching. I hope that my son had a good upbringing and that he knows he was adopted and is or will be searching for me someday. I was a 15 yr old girl when I gave my son up for adoption. I had him on Jan 13 1970 in the General Hospital Sault Ste. Marie Ont. I held him and fed him for one week and got his baby picture. His birth father came to visit me and gave me the money to get the pictures. My family thought it was best that I didn't have the pictures as it wouldn't allow me to forget my son. I never have forgotten him or given up hope that I would be reunited with him. I have always shared my experience with anyone who would listen. I am a nurse and have especially tried to be involved with young moms who are unsure whether to keep their child or give them up into hopefully a better life. I hope that someday either my son or someone who knows him reads this. Thanks to all who shared and for allowing me to share. 
 
Name: Lorraine ---------- from Newark:  
Email:  
Location: Wood Dale, IL US 
Date: Wednesday, May 20, 1998 at 13: 54: 01 
Comments:   After having two beautiful daughters and one darling granddaughter, I have a pretty good insight as to what my birth mother may look like. I have watched them grow and think I know what she would have been like but it is not the same as 'knowing her'. I would dearly love to give my family a heritage/lineage from my side. They have wonderful paternal lineage but my side started in Newark about 47 years ago and I cannot give them anything of my past ancestors. A truly eerie thing has been happening around the Chicago area for the last dozen years and I know that there is a saying 'everybody has a twin' but it is strange nonetheless. I have lived in this area since 1954 and starting about 1985 people who know me, work with me and are dear to me have said they have seen me in places that I haven't been (at the stated time). The best man at my wedding stated he saw me on a flight back from Cancun; a lady I worked with stated she saw me playing a piano at a downtown hotel and all she could remember was the name was like that of a vacuum manufacturer (possibly Hoover). My best friend saw me once entering the Dirkson building and a co-worker saw me at Scottsdale Mall on the south side of Chicago. Another co-worker saw me at a Shell gas station in Mount Prospect. And lastly, someone on the internet is looking for a Kinney in upstate New York, NJ, CT, VT and MASS and that information was given to me when I asked this cyberpal about Anna ----------. All this is bizarre to say the least and has me wondering if I have a twin or a sister out there looking for answers as well. I pray that I will be successful in finding someone who can provide a key to that mystery and/or my birth mother. There is so much to share, so much love to give and many open arms here waiting to hug and shed tears of joy and happiness. Good luck to all that search and my prayers for your hearts to be full of peace. 
 
Name: Pam 
Date: Wednesday, May 20, 1998 at 12: 14: 09 
Comments: I wish my parents had known that it was not necessary to answer questions like "where did she get her hair color?"; that it is more important to think about how your child will react to words in the long run than how some impertinent stranger will react today. I wish they had known how big a deal it is to have to give up dreams of having biological children and investigate adoption. I wish somehow they could know how a person can love a child at the moment of birth and forever. I hope they can understand that all three of "us: " they, my birth mother, and I, all need(ed) each other in the grand scheme of life. 
 
Name: Kellie Kane 
Email:  
Location:   Australia 
Date: Monday, May 18, 1998 at 21: 09: 08 
Comments: I was born on the 28th December 1978. The fact that I was adopted was never hidden from me, although it is hard for a 5 year old to understand, I just knew it made me different from my adoptive brother. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents who have made many sacrifices for me. So, when last year I received a letter from a counseling center down South, I found that my biological mother wanted to get in contact with me. Even though my adoptive parents told me to do whatever felt right to me, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Three weeks after I said no to any contact with her, my biological mother was killed in a car accident. I never got to meet her, I never got to say that I cared for her, or even to see her face. Since then I have met my half sister and two half brothers, all three of whom are younger then I. The eldest, Erin, told me that she used to talk about me a lot, and more then anything in the world she wanted to see me. I placed roses on her grave. Erin told me that they were her favorite flower. She gave me up for adoption because her boyfriend (not my father), abused both her and me. She gave me up to protect me, and her only wish was to see me again. Please, if you have an opportunity to meet your biological parents (even if its not really what you want) then do it. There are no rules that say you have to continue to have contact with them. Even though I love my adoptive family, I would not give up my biological half brothers and sister for anything in the world. It's a pity it took a death to realize it. 
 
Name: Teri -----
Location:    CO USA 
Date: Thursday, May 14, 1998 at 14: 18: 32 
Comments: 1. They would have recognized my search (successful) as an issue about me instead of them. 2. They would have rocked the boat with my grandparents and confronted them about their referral to my cousins as "blood kin". 3. They would have stopped saying that they loved me as much as they would have loved a birth child. How would they know? 4. They would acknowledge my pain. 
 
Name: Stephanie --------
Email:  
Location: San Antonio, TX USA 
Date: Sunday, May 3, 1998 at 19: 59: 31 
Comments: hello, I am 19yrs old and looking for my biological parents. I have a twin sister and an 18 month younger sister. My twin and I were born on Feb. 18, 1979 and my younger sister was born on Aug. 12, 1980, all of us were born in Downtown San Antonio, TX, USA. Our biological names...my twin was Jennifer ----------, mine Jonette ----------, and my younger sisters was Elizabeth ------------. Our biological parents names are Carl ----------- (may be spelled with a K) and Cynthia --------- (may be Carol). The State took us away because my b-mom couldn't take care of us because she was so young and my father was an alcoholic. We were adopted when my twin and I were around 2yrs old too a wonderful women who adopted 3 girls in the early 80's, which was hard to do when you are a single teacher. I would really like to get to know them and know where I come from, I know that I may have some Comanche in me, but I don't know for sure. My twin and I have dyslexia and have ADHD. We are both good at math and science and love to read and draw. My younger sister isn't good at math, but is good at everything else and loves to draw as well. We do know that my b-dad was a great drawer and had sent some to my a-mom, but they have gotten lost. When we were younger we did get to see our biological parents the 1st yr. after the adoption, but then my b-mom became pregnant again and had another child (I think it was a boy, but I am not sure) after that, she told my mom not to come over or call again...I was too young to remember what she looks like, although I do sometimes have visions (wonder if my b-parents have this power too) of her, though I cant see her face and that hurts. I did see my b-gradparents a few time, they were really nice, one of them used to send booties for us each christmas, but then we moved and haven't gotten any since. We have one pic of before we were adopted, its a house by a ranch or something, but I don't know where it is, I also have a pic of my b-grandparents. The thing is that when we met them, I didn't know who they were, my mom didn't tell me that they were my b-grandparents, I just thought that they were some nice old folks that were friends of my a-moms family. All of us have blond/brown hair and green-blue eyes. We are all around 5 ft 5 in, my younger sister is taller and is almost 5 ft 8 in. I was told when I was little that I was adopted but I didn't believe it (don't ask, childhood thing, didn't want to be different), but didn't believe it until I found my birth certificate (sp, runs in the family) and it had my birth time and my twins birth time was on hers, when they redid the birth certificates they mixed up the 1st and 2nd born on top but had the right times, we hope, though we are not sure. We are all athletic and love music. We would really love it if someone could help us out, because we have tried and well, we have to go to court to get all of the records. I want to get to know my parents I don't want anything else from them, except maybe for them to be able to see my graduate this yr., we are all going to be graduating at the same time, except from my twin. My twin has been hurt so much by this adoption that she has dropped out of school and doesn't live at home anymore. I don't know what is worse, her not talking to me anymore (its a twin thing, we were best friends, we confined in each other about everything) or any of the rest of the family and she has moved out. I am hoping to find my b-parents, so that maybe they can help me with this too. My a-mom always tells us that if we don't like our lives with her then we should go find our real mom and dad and maybe they would be better, this hurts so much. Well I don't know what else to put here, there are a lot of things that I don't know, and there are a lot of things that I do know. Please, someone help me to find my b-parents (or if you are out there, contact me), I want to know them and for them to come to my graduation. I also want them to fill this void that has been in my heart and soul since I can remember. stephI (Jonette ----------------------, boy it fells good to use that.) P.S. ---------- is my native american name mixed with my nickname, -------- is "one with animals and children" and star is my nick. Why is it I am good with kids? ok, I will stop asking questions, because I don't think there is enough room for them all. : ) 
 
Name: Chantel ----- 
Email: -
Location: CA USA 
Date: Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 01: 25: 25 
Comments: I read this poem in a book that was given to me by a friend. The book is called "Torn from the Heart" by Louise Jurgens. It is the true story of a Birthmothers Search for her daughter she surrendered for adoption. It is a very good book. The Legacy of an Adopted Child Once there were two women who never knew each other, One you do not remember, the other you call mother. Two different lives shaped to make yours one. One became your guiding star, the other became your sun. The first gave you life, the second taught you to live in it. One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name. One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you an aim. One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears. One gave you up, it was all she could do, the other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you. And now you ask me through your tears, the age old questions through the years. Hereditary or environment, which are you the product of, neither my darling, neither, just two different kinds of love. 
 
Name: Chantel ------- 
Email:
Location:  CA USA 
Date: Tuesday, April 28, 1998 at 01: 12: 53 
Comments: I am a 34 year old adoptee. For as long as I can remember I have known. Sometimes I don't think a young child understands exactly what that means. My adoptive mother has always been very open with me throughout my life. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 7 years old, but I was lucky enough to be raised by a wonderful step-father. My adoptive mother always told me that if I ever wanted to search for my birth mother, she had some information that might help. Boy, did it help! In September of 1997 I started my search. I was lucky enough to have a last name to start my search. On Oct. 28, 1997 I "accidentally" found a brother. He was very excited and happy to finally have a sister. He was only 3 years old when I was born and never knew about me. He only lives about 55 miles away. I also found 2 aunts (birth mother's sisters) and they are also very happy. We keep in touch often. Of course I now know who my birth mother is and where she lives. (only about 30 miles away) The problem is, she does not want to communicate with me. She thinks that I want something from her. She has been told by her sister that I would just like to talk to her or to meet her just once. My presence has brought back a lot of bad memories for her. I have accepted that fact. She has my phone number and will call when she is ready. I am now searching for my birth father. Birth mother has changed her story on who it is. I have petitioned the courts, but out here in CA they will deny you access. But I will continue. Some advice to those that are starting to search: Try not to go into your search expecting anything, that way you will not be too hurt if it does not turn out the way that you want it to. I know it is hard, believe me! For adoptive parents, try to be as open and you can. It will pay off for you in the long run. My adoptive mother is very happy for me, but she also knows that SHE is my mother no matter what! Good luck to all who are searching. 
 
Name: JODY -------- 
Email: -
Location: WI U.S.A. 
Date: Saturday, April 25, 1998 at 22: 30: 36 
Comments: I am 22 years old. I was born 8-26-75, my b.c. says in La Crosse, WI. at St. Francis Hospital. As a little girl, since the age of 4, when I found out I was adopted wondered about my mother. My father never even entered the picture. I assumed my mother was unwed & that my father never knew or cared. Being told that young was the best thing my parents ever did. I grew up with it always being a part of me. But, they could not, or would not, answer any of my questions. I was always different from everyone else in my family, I was naturally affectionate & loving... my family wasn't. They loved me, but always from a distance. I am looking for answers, too many to list here. But the essential one was, DO YOU LOVE ME ?? I am looking for information on my birth mother or birth father. I am not looking for you to make it "all right", I am looking for you to make it better. I am no longer the princess in the fairy tale. The empty space inside me that calls out for information would dearly love to hear from you. If you have ANY info, please contact me. I love my parents, even though they were physically & emotionally abusive when I was young. My capacity to forgive is one of my greatest strengths... Did I get it from you ?? 
 
Name: Lisa ------ 
Email:  
Location: Tacoma, Wa. USA 
Date: Thursday, April 23, 1998 at 01: 13: 38 
Comments: I am a 34 y.o. woman who cannot remember when she didn't ask the questions of my adoptive parents "where did I get my eyes from?", "what did my bparents look like?", and "where did I get my coloring from?". To this day all that I know about my birth mother is that she liked to roller-skate and chew bubble gum. That's a revelation, coming from the 60's! I lost my adoptive father just a couple of years ago which put a major strain on my relationship with my adoptive mother which was already only cordial, so to ask her any ?s about my adoption and/or birth parents would probably kill what little relationship we have left. As a child whenever I would ask any ?s I would have the subject changed or ignored or something of that nature. Talk about feeling rejected, abandoned, and lost- add to that not even having your deepest feelings validated. Anyway, I was approximately 3 weeks old at the time of my adoption. Born on 02-01-64 at Maynard Hospital in Seattle, Washington. The agency that did the adoption was Children's Home Society of Washington. I have three adoptive siblings, 2 of whom were also adopted. My adoptive sister is also interested in locating her bfamily roots. My adoptive brother is not at all interested. I just don't understand why some adoptive parents imply (quite strongly, I might add) that this is a taboo subject. To me it is so nice to hear from other people that my three girls born to me look so much like me. My reasons for finding my birth family history has changed somewhat since the birth of my own children, but am just beginning to actively look. Because of finances and other obstacles I have not been able to try in the past, but I had heard on the t.v. or radio that I might be able to search through the internet for only pennies, so as soon as I was able to get the equipment I started looking for help online. If anyone knows of any information that might help me please e-mail me at -------------------------------- Thank-you for letting me air my feelings and desires. 
 
Name: Heather ------- 
Email:  
Location:  NE 69337 
Date: Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 21: 48: 47 
Comments: Never, never keep the adoption a secret from your family or from the adoptee. If you do it will only cause hate and discontent in your life later on. If you are planning to adopt a child in a closed adoption situation, keep and remember everything that you can. Start a folder of things that you know about the birth parents. When your child becomes of majority age in your state, and in the event that they want to know who their birth parents are they will find the information that you kept the most valuable gift you could have ever have given them next to a loving and caring family. Thank you, Heather  (Adoptee) 
 

This is the end of the list of responses that I have edited the identifying information from.  If you would like to add your story and statement to this list please email your addition to bbetzen@openadoption.org. If you want, I will leave your email and name in the posting.  Since I do not have such approval from those who originally posted back in 1998 to this list that I helped form, I have deleted that identifying information until I should receive permission to post such. The above postings underline the simple fact that truth in adoption is crucial!

Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Bill Betzen LMSW (Emeritus)

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