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Things I Wish My
Adoptive Parents Knew
Welcome to a 'guest book'
that I encouraged the Adoptee Internet Mailing List to set up and manage in
about 1997. An archive of those postings from 1998 is placed here since the
Adoptee Internet Mailing List web pages are no longer online. These pages of
adoptee testimony are priceless.
This was not a traditional
guest book, but rather a forum for adoptees to give insight to current and
prospective adoptive parents concerning life as an adoptive family. This forum
was meant to provide positive, helpful information to parents, as well as a
place for adoptees to explain how their lives could have been better, or worse,
had their adoptive parents had the knowledge that these adoptees are sharing
with you now.
In about 1999 the book,
"Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew,"
was published by Sherrie Eldridge and has continued to be a very popular
publication. It is becoming an adoption classic. If you find the following
testimony valuable then I recommend you go to
Tapestry
Books: to purchase a copy of this
book.
If you would like to add your story or statement
to this list please email your addition to
bbetzen@openadoption.org. If you
want, I can leave your email and name in the posting, or leave it anonymous as
you wish. Since I do not have such approval from those who originally
posted back in 1998 to this list I have deleted identifying information until I
should receive permission to post such.
The following postings underline the
simple fact that truth and information sharing with the adoptee is
mandatory.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Bill Betzen LMSW (Emeritus)
Archived
Entries from 1998
Name:
Kathy
Email:
Location: OH USA
Date: Wednesday, December
23, 1998 at 21: 59: 55
Comments: I am an adult
adoptee born 09/27/65 at Wood County Hospital in Bowling Green, OH and I am
searching for my bparents. I recently found out that I was born with a mass
in my brain that cannot be removed. What I wish my adoptive parents knew
about me before I entered their lives is my medical backround. That bit of
information would make my life so much easier. I have to undergo testing
every 3 months to plot the progress of my mass and it is very painful, both
physically and emotionally. My adoptive parents are the kindest people I
have ever had the pleasure of knowing. They were simply not given any
information about me at all. I found out by accident that I was adopted. I
was looking through an old photo album when I was 11 and came across some
pictures of small caskets. I asked my mom who they were and she told me that
my parents had 3 infants die before they decided to adopt me. I realize now,
as a mother myself, how painful a time that was for them, but I wish they
had told me I was adopted when I was old enough to understand. Finding out
that way hurt me deeply.
Name: April
Email:
Location: Anchorage , Ak
USA
Date: Thursday, December
10, 1998 at 02: 29: 59
Comments: I was adopted in
the Philippines and my biological mother was 19 when she had me. I was put
into a basket because my mother didn't know if she wanted to keep me or let
me be adopted by people who'd give me a better life and not be of poverty. I
was not the only one adopted into the family; my sister Marybeth was also
adopted a year ahead. The Taylor family had already two grown boys of their
own and Marybeth was the 1st adopted, so that makes me the youngest. Mary
sometimes thinks what it would be like to see her older sisters and I wonder
if I even have any brothers or sisters. I used to cry for my mother
wondering what an experience it would've been. Only I wish I knew my
language, important medical history, but most of all what I wish to know is
who was my family? The only person mentioned was my mother Rosalina Magnaye.
There have been big issues of me wanting to know of what I am and my mother
can't accept that yet, she wants to be my only mother in our lives.
Sometimes she'll take too many things out of proportion and she'll say
things like, "You don't want me to be your mother", as she cries over one
big different situation. I wish that I could find my mother and family to
know things that I want to find out. I love my biological mother, knowing
she thinks of me even though I have never even seen or known her... I do
love my mother now and I am thankful.
Email:
Date: Monday, November
30, 1998 at 21: 39: 28
Comments: I wish my
adoptive parents didn't try to forget that I was adopted. I was told when I
was five years old, and then after that it was never brought up unless I had
questions about it. But since I felt so disrespectful talking about it so
needless to say it wasn't talked about much. If anyone ever said to my
grandmother, "Isn't she your adopted granddaughter?", she wouldn't even
answer them. It was like everyone avoided the issue. I don't remember how it
was when I was younger, but I know as I got older I hated going to the
doctor's office. I would be sitting there and the nurse would take my
temperature and blood pressure and then start asking questions and I would
explain that I was adopted and have no medical history that I know of. They
would always look at me with such pity and then scribble a note in my file.
Please try your best to get a complete medical history. And the next part
is, don't take it as your son/daughter having something against you if they
decide to search. I had a good life and was given all the things I ever
needed. But even with the best life, there is still a void, a missing part
of your heart that you long to fill. It's not anyone's fault. It doesn't
make you a bad parent and it doesn't make the birth mother a horrible
person. It's just a natural longing to find someone who looks like you, who
does the little quirky things you do. To finally have the answers no one
could ever give you. What was the delivery like? Did the birth father know?
Did she want to place me or was she forced? Did she hold me? Did she name
me? My main reason to search besides medical info was to tell my birth
mother that I didn't hate her for giving me up and that I have always loved
her. Please be honest and don't be afraid to let your child search. You will
be amazed at how much more complete it makes your child feel. Love and Hugs
to All
Name: Eric
Email:
Location: SD US
Date: Monday, November 30,
1998 at 01: 59: 32
Comments: I am a reunited
adoptee. I conducted my search beginning in mid 1994 and found my birth
family in the spring of 1995. I'm one of the more fortunate ones. Most
adoptees that are currently searching have been doing so for at least 2-3
years, and considerably longer in a lot of cases. It shouldn't be that way.
We, as adoptees, should have full and complete access to our adoption
records when we ask for them!! I have known that I was adopted since I was
old enough to remember. At the time of my adoption (mid-1950's), being
adopted didn't mean being "special." I remember the teasing and ridicule
from friends. As for my adoptive family, you couldn't have asked for better.
In reflection, what makes me most angry about being an adoptee is that when
going to a doctor, my adoptive parents would supply the doctor with THEIR
medical history, purporting it to be my own. When I was old enough to know
better, I corrected the doctor's records in telling them I am adopted, and
that my adoptive parents medical history has absolutely nothing to do with
me. For prospective adoptive parents... please, do your adopted child the
best favor you could ever do for him/her (aside from adopting them)...
demand as complete a medical history as possible from the agency, from both
sides of the birth parents families (going back at least 3 generations). My
apologies for sounding angry, but this is a very relevant subject for me...
I'm in the medical professions (Surgical Assistant), and discovered some
pretty unnerving medical information from my birth sister, which pertains
directly to me. I have also discussed this subject at length with the
doctors and surgeons I work with, so they are aware, or more aware of this
problem. They now ask all their patients if they or their child is adopted.
Eric
Name:
Email:
Location: Ohio U.S.A.
Date: Monday, November 9,
1998 at 08: 10: 10
Comments: I wish that my
parents had known a little about my birth parents because my adoptive mother
is always telling me what I should believe in and what I should do. I think
that what I am doing is fine and I haven't gotten into any real trouble. She
tells me what faith to believe in. Don't you think that if I have gone
through 16 -almost 17 years- of my life I think that I should know what I
believe in and she shouldn't have to tell me. My adoptive parents ask me why
I do the things that I do and I tell them because that is what I think is
right.
Name: Lisa
Email:
Location: OR USA
Date: Friday, November 6,
1998 at 12: 14: 58
Comments: I was born as
"baby girl --------" on July 24,1965 at the Physicians and Surgeons Hospital
in Scottsdale, Arizona. My adoptive parents took me home to Lakewood,
California. I remember finding papers in my adoptive mother's bedroom that
said the name of my birth mother as Irene --------. When I was of age and
asked her for information to help me search. Those papers were not in the
envelope she gave me. I had a pretty normal life until my adoptive father
died when I was 10 years old. My adoptive mother turned ugly! I no longer
was "daddy's little girl" because he was gone. My adoptive brother ended up
getting all of the attention and I was forced to grow up really fast.
Emotional, verbal, and physical abuse soon came into play. A few years ago I
separated myself from the so called "family". My adoptive mother and I
rarely speak, and my adoptive brother and I never speak. I have no family
other than my own. I have three great kids! : -) I have always felt as
though I never fit in, like I was taken from one area and thrown in to a
totally foreign area. Now, I'm having to find my way back. It seems very
overwhelming. I don't know where to start. I just started searching the
internet. My best friends all pitched in and gave me a computer to help me.
My friends make wonderful family members!! Hopefully, someday I can find my
birth mother. My adoptive mother told me that they had a really hard time
getting her to sign the papers at the last minute. Maybe somebody will
search for me. If somebody can help me out, any help will be appreciated!
Please e mail me with any info!
Name: Patrick
Email:
Location: Or USA
Date: Thursday, November 5,
1998 at 17: 10: 50
Comments: I was adopted
from Providence Children's center (Sisters of Providence), in Portland
Oregon, about 2 months after my birth on January 9, 1961. From the first
days I can remember, my parents made it clear to me that I had been adopted,
but that they had been given two gifts most families never dream of: First,
to help young children having children by offering their offspring a normal
chance at life, while the parents a chance to finish growing up. Secondly,
by my adoptive parents being able to CHOOSE to start a family, something
they would not have done if I( and my adopted sister and brother) had not
been sent into their care. I have nothing but love and admiration for my
Parents. My life has been filled with its share of wonder and joy, and I
would not EVER change that. Yet because of my fear of deeply hurting them, I
have always merely entertained the idea of looking for my biological
parents. No way would I want to downplay the importance of the parents I
know. So I only dreamt. I am now 37, with children of my own, and it was my
mother who suggested that they would not be upset if I were to look for the
parents I never knew. Yes, adopted children are often quite different then
their adoptive families, interests, likes and dislikes, habits, as well as
medical history. I know this applies to biological children, too, but it has
always seemed more pronounced in the adoptees I have met, no matter how
often their parent's friends mistakenly commented on their 'biological
similarities'. Ha, the stories I could tell! It was a friend who finally
convinced me that, perhaps, my biological parents might be entertaining the
thought of looking for me. After years of convincing myself that they were
adults with a secret to hide, maybe from families they loved as much as I
loved mine, I suddenly came to the realization that most people try to live
with the truth. Perhaps they were just as quick to tell their future mates
that they had conceived a child once, as I am to say that I am adopted.
There is no shame in that. This is my first step in beginning a search that
may never reach fruition. Let God make the choice, I can live with it. All I
can do is help. I have many parents to thank personally for this life I
live, maybe I can prove that the word 'Thanks' isn't forgotten that
frequently.
Name: Scott
Email:
Location: Mb Canada
Date: Thursday, November 5,
1998 at 13: 26: 11
Comments: Hi , I'm a 24 yr.
old adoptee with a request for other adoptees. I would like to ask any one
with a an adoption breakdown (being given back) experience to contact myself
and share their story, or at least indicate that- Yes, others have
experienced this situation. I'm really starting to feel isolated in this
experience!
Name: Cathy
Email:
Location: OH USA
Date: Sunday, November 1,
1998 at 16: 54: 24
Comments: I am 24 years old
and have been seriously thinking about initiating a search for my bparents
for over a year. I guess I am lucky in that I was adopted through Catholic
Charities who will essentially do the search for me. I'm just scared. Scared
of being rejected and finding out the answers to all of my questions. My
adoptive parents don't know anything about how I feel. My husband is
supportive, but can't really understand. I would love to have someone to
talk to. What I wish my adoptive parents knew? That I am now an adult who is
yearning to have some inner peace. As a child, they could have helped me
achieve some of that if they had only talked to me.
Name: Kevin
Email:
Location: MO USA
Date: Wednesday, October
28, 1998 at 03: 46: 51
Comments: My life as an
adoptee has been wonderful. I could not have asked for better, kinder, more
loving adoptive parents than the ones I have had. My parents told me I was
adopted from the beginning. I am grateful to them for this. As I reached my
early 20's my mother felt that I was at the age I could understand and
emotionally deal with the facts of my adoption. She gave me a booklet
concerning my adoption, court proceedings and such. Recently, with a little
luck and using the interne,t I have been able to locate 8 of my 9 half
brothers and sisters and my birth mother. My birth father passed away about
5 months ago. It has been a wonderful experience for me to meet them and
include them in my life. It has brought some closure to my life and has
answered many questions for me. I am, however, still looking for 1 more
sister. She was born on Nov. 12, 1960 at St. Mary's of the Plains hospital
in Lubbock, Tx. by the name of --------------------. Her birth mother's name
is ----------------------. She was immediately put up for adoption and taken
home by her adoptive parents within days of her birth. If anyone knows of
her or has any information regarding her please let me know. I would be very
appreciative. Sincerely, Kevin
Name: Lisa
Email:
MD U.S.A.
Date: Tuesday, October 27,
1998 at 09: 30: 53
Comments: I was born in
1967 and adopted out immediately. My adoptive parents (mom and dad) went
without when I had, stayed up with me when I was sick, gave me all the
essentials, celebrated my wedding with me, and even gave me freedom to
search for my birth family. I don't know what my life would be if I had not
been given up. That thought never crossed my mind. My advice to adoptive
parents is don't keep the adoption a secret. I've known all my life. It
actually made me feel kind of special. It used to have a stigma attached,
but not anymore. If your child does want to search, give them the freedom to
do so. They might surprise you more than you think with the love they have
for you. Please know that their search has nothing to do with you. Their
search is to put some kind of closure in their life. Some people don't feel
the need to know, or feel anger, but most seem to be curious. When I met my
birth family, I had no preconceived ideas. It went pretty much how I figured
it might. I am definitely glad to have them in my life, along with the LARGE
SLEW of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Okay, now for the second part of my
entry. I am looking for my brother. I am one of six siblings. Five girls and
one boy. He was born in 1954 in Wisconsin (I think Milwaukee). He was taken
to Chicago, Illinois in late 1955 or early 1956 and given up for adoption.
His original birth certificate had no name, just a number. My oldest sister
said he was never told he was adopted. Because of the fact that she seemed
to be so close to her (our) mother, she put the birth records away
indefinitely. So, I have no real information, just what I've stated here.
Does this sound like you or someone you know?
Name: Marilyn
Email:
Location: mi usa
Date: Wednesday, August 26,
1998 at 21: 01: 06
Comments: I am an adoptee
and a birth mother, two sides of the triad. My daughter found me in 1993 and
it is a wonderful relationship. Her adoptive parents are very accepting of
me and have welcomed me into their family. My daughter has encouraged me to
look for my own mother, her grandmother. On 8-17-98 my mail came, I got a
break. The death cert. I had requested for my grandmother came and had a lot
of information that I traced immediately. I called the cemetery to see who
owned the plot and they told me that there was another buried next to my
grandmother but with a different last name. They put me on hold and came
back and said the name I had never wanted to hear, my mother's. Through that
one document I found the names of my mother's two sisters, ---------------
and -------------------------. Neither of which I have been able to find
yet, but they would be 82 and 88. My mother was 35 when I was born and would
have been 84 if alive today. I was profoundly sad at the news and the fact
that I was so deeply affected was due in part to having "known" my mother
through my search. My wish is to either know someone who knew my mother or
to make contact with any of the surviving members of the family. Helen had
children and lived in Bethesda, Md., the town in which I grew up, in the
late 40's early 50's. I was born on 12-15-49 in Washington, D.C. at the
Florence Crittendon Home, which was the same one that I was in during my own
pregnancy. My mother was 35 when I was born. I feel time is running out for
me to find anyone still living who might have known any of these families. I
know Katherine (could be with a "C" also) and her husband had a tavern in
Pasadena, Md. but it burned down. They moved to Crisfield, Md. and
----------------------worked for the prison. That was in the early 70's. I
don't know anything about ------------------'s family other than there were
children. One of the most interesting things I have discovered and I have
heard this from other adoptees, that many odd coincidences have presented
themselves during their search. Synchronicity, dates, names, places talents
and tendencies, all manage to find themselves threaded through lives that
don't touch until reunion. I have had so many on both sides that it is mind
boggling. It gives me a true sense that there is more at work than mere
coincidence. We are meant to know! Like I have read elsewhere, DON'T GIVE
UP!
Name: Mary
Email:
KS USA
Date: Tuesday, August 25,
1998 at 18: 04: 10
Comments: I am an adoptee
who has been very happily reunited with my birth mother and siblings for 3
years. I once heard the phrase that "It is very hard to find peace in your
life until you find all of the pieces." That is so true. One thing I wish my
adoptive parents would understand is that an adoptee must know about their
birth parents. It is not a choice, it is a very powerful need! My adoptive
mother was very insecure about the fact that I did not belong to her.
Therefore, she said many mean things about my birth mother. The result was I
developed very low self esteem as her hateful remarks reflected on me.
Anyone who is considering adopting a child needs to be very grateful to the
birth parents. Birth parents are making the ultimate sacrifice and adoptive
parents are benefiting from it. As an adoptive parent, you owe it to your
child to be open and honest. And please, adopt openly! You child WILL want
to know someday and you should be able to provide the facts for him/her. The
word 'adopted' was rarely spoken as I grew up and when it was, it was
whispered. I felt ashamed to be adopted. Admit that your child is different
from you. Do not tell people how much your child looks like you or another
family member, that is impossible! Do not give the pediatrician your medical
history as if it belonged to your child as well. It does not! Accept the
fact that you did not give birth to the child. In other words, please accept
reality. That is what I wish my adoptive parents would have done. I did not
feel special to be adopted. The first time I really felt special in my life
was when my birth mom took me back into her arms after 26 years and hugged
me until we couldn't cry anymore. Please let your child know that it is OK
to want to know. And to anyone out there searching, DO NOT GIVE UP! The
rewards are so worth the effort.
Name:
Email:
Location: Kansas City, MO
USA
Date: Monday, August 24,
1998 at 14: 30: 08
Comments: It has taken me a
long, long time of searching and reflecting to really come to the conclusion
that adoption is wonderful. I was adopted because my birth mother died when
I was almost 2 years old. I was actually adopted at the age of 7, but lived
with the same family the entire time. Some of the things that hurt me as an
adoptee were secrets and hidden information. One of my sisters had letters
that had my adoptive mother's hand written message of "return to sender". I
was also singled out as their "adopted" son. My father was a preacher. While
they tried to make me feel special, they were actually making me feel
different. 17 years went by and my birth siblings found and contacted me.
Since then I have spent time traveling the midwest to once again visit my
birth siblings. I know this may have bothered my adoptive parents and
family. While my adoptive parents have been quite supportive and encouraged
me my whole life and have raised me with good morals, etc. there is and has
always been a void. I have recently come to terms that this void is not bad
or good..... but just is. Like having poor eyesight. I need to wear
glasses.... they are a part of my life. Wearing contacts does not take away
the fact that I have poor eyesight, just the presentation to the public
about it. My suggestion to adoptive parents is to know that your child will
probably have this void. Don't hide it, don't avoid it. Embrace it. Let them
know that you support them and will help them if possible if one day they
want to search. Not every child will have this desire. But it helps to know
that if the time comes, the support will be there. It's helpful to know this
ahead of time. I think I would have enjoyed a chat with my adoptive parents
on this very subject. Remember though, no matter what life deals you, it's
how you react that makes the difference. I would enjoy discussing this with
others. My home page is listed above and you can find me on ICQ from there.
Name: Michelle
Email:
Location: Grand Forks, ND
USA
Date: Thursday, August 20,
1998 at 15: 04: 29
Comments: I wish my parents
would have understood that I am not ashamed of being adopted and it is not
something we have to keep quiet about. They were originally very honest with
me and my adoptive brother, but as soon as we knew, the conversation
stopped. I wish that other people who are NOT adopted would not try so hard
to "comfort" me when they find out. As a culture we truly deal with adoption
very poorly. Please don't tell us how lucky we are to have been adopted into
nice families. That only says to a child that s/he didn't deserve to have a
nice family... that s/he should be not expect to be treated as kindly and
lovingly as children who remain with their biological families. It is so
hard to grow up anyway, all of us should be raised with the message and
belief that we deserve good things simply because we are human and we are
alive. To call any child lucky takes away that inherent right.
Name: Suzanne
Location: Houston, TX
Date: Thursday, August 20,
1998 at 11: 39: 19
Comments: For prospective
adoptive parents who are exploring and educating themselves before adopting,
this is the perfect site to see the reality of adoption. If the pain you
read here from adoptees makes you uncomfortable, you may not be quite ready
to tackle adoption. I am an adoptee blessed with wonderful parents who this
past week stood by my side at my birth mother's grave. At this late stage in
life, they know how deeply I love them so when they learned the anguish I
felt from having never known my birth mother, they supported me through my
search. Some adoptees, like me, have unwanted emotions ingrained in us and I
slowly learned that no amount of denial or suppression could make these
emotions disappear. When I finally faced this, it was very painful, I felt
as if I was being ungrateful to my parents. Luckily they are supportive and
secure with our relationship, and as we stood by my birth mother's grave I
couldn't have been more grateful. With their full support, I was finally
able to put closure on this and move forward with my life. My parents are
nothing less than exceptional and I know my birth mother, who was never able
to meet us, was looking down on us that day, overjoyed that I had a
beautiful adoptive family. My parents helped me pick up the pieces to my
puzzle so I could move on. There's nothing more an adoptee can hope for.
Name: Lisa
Email:
Location: TX USA
Date: Tuesday, August 18,
1998 at 15: 09: 57
Comments: I am a 36 year
old speech/language pathologist. I have a wonderful husband, 4 biological
children, 2 adopted children and 5 foster children. That's right 11 kids. I
am writing to let my adoptive parents know that no one could have had a
better childhood or life. I was so lucky to be adopted by 40 year old
parents that adored, guided and nurtured me beyond measure. I always knew I
was adopted. I was adopted at the age of 6 days. My parents supported any
goal I set for myself, so when I decided to search for my birth mother they
helped in every way. My medical history is very important because of my 4
biological children. It is a little frightening to be unaware of that
history. I would love to talk to any one interested in adoption or any other
adopted individuals. I was born in Amarillo, Texas on June --, 1962. My
family teases me about being a true Texan----- because everything is big in
Texas, like my large family. The truth is I love children and have felt so
blessed to be in the wonderful family I belong to. It just seemed I should
have a large family, adopt and love other children in the same situation as
I was once in.
Name: Kara
Email:
Location: Memphis, TN USA
Date: Sunday, August 16,
1998 at 03: 08: 17
Comments: I am an adoptee
who has been searching for over a year now. I know the name and address of
my birth mother but no information about my birth father. I would like to
encourage anyone interested in adoption to do so. There are a lot of
children out there who need a good home. I love my family, but I too felt an
emptiness, a longing to know who I was, who I looked like, etc. I am writing
to ask for advice. My birth mother has been contacted by 2 others on my
behalf, and I sent her a letter explaining that I just needed some answers.
I am not looking for a relationship, unless that is what she wants. I want
to know my medical history and my ethnic background. She has not responded
and it has been over 7 months. Should I write her again, or should I try to
call her myself? I am open to all suggestions.
Name: Deb
Email:
Location: Toronto, Canada
Date: Saturday, August 15,
1998 at 23: 13: 51
Comments: I have found this
site to be anything but encouraging, and it is making me seriously doubt
adopting a child. I cannot have biological children. My husband and I have
always been quite comfortable with the idea of adoption, and are about to
start our home study. We have two adopted cousins in our extended family,
and I have a brother through foster care, so opening our family to adoption
seemed a relatively 'normal' thing to do. I had been searching for a site
like this, because I wanted to hear adoptee stories, to reassure myself it
would be good for the child, and not just satisfying our need for children.
I have spent two days reading over all of the entries, and was overwhelmed
by the number of stories about feeling different, about having something
missing, about how adoptive parent's love was not enough. This will sound
selfish, but I don't think I want to hear that from my child, but it seems
inevitable from the stories posted here. I am not threatened by the idea of
a birth parent. We have been planning an open adoption, with some form of
ongoing birth parent contact established. We always wanted the adoption and
information surrounding it to be discussed, and a de facto part of our
child's life. Now I am unsure if that is enough, or if my child would grow
up still feeling incomplete, or abandoned, or that our love was simply not
enough. I would be devastated to read a message from my child on a site like
this in 15 or twenty years that said "don't get me wrong, my adoptive
parents are great, but..." We are at the beginning of our understanding of
adoption, and I am avidly seeking information. Anyone with insights, please
let me know.
Name: Lori
Email:
Location: London, UK
Date: Saturday, August 15,
1998 at 19: 25: 41
Comments: I'm a 33 year old
transracial adoptee, reunited with birth parents (with mixed results, but no
regrets!). Today's prospective adoptive parents will likely be considering
older children rather than healthy white babies, who rarely need
home-finding these days. No doubt you will already have been told that
adoption is in principle to be done according to the best interests of the
child, not according to the "need" of the prospective parents. Such children
urgently need love and support to help them recover from the experiences
that have led to their current situation. Depending on the child, you may
need the continuing support of social service professionals - at least in
the UK (where I now live) that's now widely recognized and promoted. Bless
you for wanting to meet the needs of a vulnerable child. Good luck! I hope
to do it myself someday as well.
Name: cathy
Email:
Location: ON Canada
Date: Thursday, August 13,
1998 at 12: 57: 58
Comments: I am currently 40
years old, and was adopted when I was just about a year old. After searching
for many years, I have recently been reunited with my birth mother. I have
not met her, or my brother and sister, as they all live thousands of miles
away. My birth mother seems like a very nice person and yet I feel very
overwhelmed by her. When I talk to her on the phone she always wants to know
when I am "coming home".. The thing is that I have a home with my adoptive
parents, and this is the only home I have known. I don't want to hurt my
birth mother's feelings. I do want to meet her and the others, but I need
somehow to let her know that that will never be "home" with them. Has anyone
ever had this problem.. I am desperate to talk to someone about a lot of my
feelings about the reunion issues, but there is no one in my city to talk
to... PLEASE HELP!!!
Name:
Email:
Location: Framingham, MA
USA
Date: Wednesday, August 12,
1998 at 22: 36: 39
Comments: I was born
January 18, 1966 in Boston. I was told very little by my adoptive parents,
basically that I was chosen, which made me very special. They knew very
little about my birth parents. I do have my amended birth certificate as
well as my adoption certificate. The only identifying information on my
adoption certificate is the last name Bennett. I did do a search myself. I
went to the adoption agency (Jewish family and Children's services of
Boston) and I was given a lot of non-identifying information. With that
information, I went to the Bureau of Vital Statistics and found my birth
mother. It was very interesting. I'm leaving out a lot of information to
make this brief. I have yet to contact my birth mother. I know where she
lives and I know she is married with children. I need some support to make
that step. My adoptive mother is supportive and says she'll help me. I guess
when I'm ready I'll do it!
Name: Susan
Email:
Location: Rochester, NY
USA
Date: Friday, August 7,
1998 at 20: 35: 59
Comments: I was born
Michele ----------- on June 18, 1964 and turned over to the Rochester
Maternal & Adoption Services, Inc. for placement. First of all, I love my
adoptive parents with all my heart!! I always knew I was adopted. But, I am
also told that I used to cry for "my other mommy" or I would say "I want my
mommy" when my adoptive mother was right next to me. She was very
understanding, and again would explain how special I was because I was
"chosen", but that void remains in my life to this day. The biggest thing
that has meant something to me is my name. Not many adoptees get a first,
middle and last name at birth. It's important to know that just that
connection - that knowing, that my birth mom loved me enough not only to
just give me a life she couldn't, but that she loved me enough to "claim" me
a bit with a name of her choice. So thanks mom! I hope we meet someday!
Name:
Email:
Location: Pleasanton, CA
USA
Date: Friday, August 7,
1998 at 13: 18: 39
Comments: I am a birth
mother twice! I have a beautiful little girl who will turn 13 in September
of this year - and a precious baby boy who will be 3 in September of this
year. Both adoptions were open. I wrote back and forth to the adoptive mom
of my daughter through the entire pregnancy. After the birth of my daughter,
the adoptive parents got scared that I would try to take her away from them,
and cut off all contact. That was very painful because I had given her to
them because I love her SO much - I wanted her to have a life I wasn't able
to offer her. When she was eight years old, I finally wrote to the adoptive
parents through a mutual friend. I had just seen the "Baby Jessica" thing on
television, and had ended up crying in the fetal position because the child
being torn from her adoptive parents arms was so vivid and so awful. I
assured them that nothing could ever make me want to take my daughter from
them. I would love to know her at some point when she's old enough. I have
never loved anyone more than I love her. I didn't know how to describe it at
the time - but I was completely overwhelmed with love for her and while I
was carrying her - I didn't know the slightest thing about her. I didn't
even know if she was a boy or a girl - I just knew I adored her with every
fiber of my being. After sending the letter - I received a picture of her
(finally) and a wonderful letter from the adoptive mom giving me a "window
into her world." She described her personality and thanked me for the gift
to their family. My daughter actually sent me a birthday present a few years
ago. It's still not a completely open relationship - because she is very
young - but I know they're raising her to know how special she is to be
adopted - to have two moms who love her - one that loved her so much she
gave her to a family who could care for her, and one that opened her heart
and her home to take her in. My son lives near me - and the adoptive dad was
actually my counselor when I was weeping over the loss of my daughter - so
when I got pregnant, I asked if they would want my child. They stay in touch
with me very regularly and want me to be a part of his growing up because
they know about the pain I went through during the eight years that I wasn't
able to get any word about her. They had tried for twelve years to have a
child of their own, and had lost several pregnancies. When they knew they
were going to be able to adopt mine, they became pregnant and it worked!
They now have a family of two sons - four months apart. I get to see my son
from time to time - and when I call their home, I hear him in the background
singing my name. He loves to say my name - and it's the most precious thing
I've ever heard in my life. Several of my friends are adopted and when they
originally found out that I was a birth mom - the first thing they always
ask me is if I loved my children - and why would I give them away if I loved
them. I know they're thinking their moms just got rid of them, and they have
this ache over being abandoned somehow. To anyone who's adopted - please
know that it's the most difficult, selfless thing to carry a child - feel
that baby moving inside you - feel the little kicks - feel love for your
child swell up in you until it's completely overwhelming - then give birth
(not a small accomplishment) - and then place your baby in the arms of
someone who can provide for them better than you can - and leave the
hospital with nothing. A birth mother simply couldn't go through all of that
without enormous love. I hope that encourages those out there searching for
their birth mom - I know every situation is different, and I know I can only
speak for myself - but I can't imagine a love that is larger than wanting
the absolute best for your child, and realizing that maybe what is best is
more than you're capable of providing.
Name: Chris
---------------
Location: CO USA
Date: Monday, August 3,
1998 at 17: 50: 49
Comments: Howdy. I'm a 32
year old adoptee who has been reunited with both his birth parents. I
started searching for them in mid-1997, and found them by march of 1998. It
was a hard thing to do in the beginning, because no one really understood
why I wanted to search. Reason 1 - I'm now a father and had no real medical
history. Reason 2 - I wanted to see who I looked like and what I might look
like when I grow older. Reason 3 - I wanted to know the story behind how I
came to be. Reason 4 - Everyone wants to know.. can't shut it off.. no
matter what, there are always little questions in the back of your mind.
Well I happened to have flack from my adoptive family, but I kept assuring
them that I wasn't looking to replace them. And I didn't. I appreciate my
adoptive family.. no matter what has gone on in the past. I found my Birth
Mother.. and was accepted whole-heartedly. After I found her, It took me
only a few days and I found my Birth Father. He also accepted me 100%. Now I
have a huge family (I did before.. I was adopted by an Italian/German
family) I've got 7 more brothers and sisters for a total of 8, and 6 new
uncles. They've all taken me in and made me members of their respective
clans. I'm lucky.. and so are my families. Being adopted isn't a disease, or
a thing to be ashamed of. We are all human, and make mistakes (I'm one ;> ).
Get rid of the hate and rage.. just live and appreciate what you DO have. If
you must, go and find, learn.. but it's not going to change your life.
Name: Virginia
Email:
Location: OR USA
Date: Sunday, August 2,
1998 at 15: 42: 26
Comments: I was born Sept.
--,1949 in Anchorage Alaska. At the age of 47 I found out through curious
searching that I was adopted. I was an "only child" My adoptive parents
never did, nor does my adoptive mother having any intentions of talking
about the adoption. I did find my birth mother on my 3rd phone call. We
talked for 4 hours. I have a full blooded sister 13 months younger. We talk
all the time. I have two half brothers and a half sister. My adoptive mother
is 83 years old, and my adoptive father passed away 20 years ago. My
adoptive mother keeps telling me how upset and devastated she is that I
found out. I am having trouble dealing with LIES. My birth family loves me
and my birth mother has told me everything about me. I am having trouble
dealing with the fact that the 2 people I trusted till the end of time have
lied to me all of my life and for their own selfish reasons. I should have
been enrolled to receive the Native Claims Settlement Act entitlements, but
was not. My birth mother is 1/2 Athabaskan Indian and 1/2 white. I am very
proud of my Athabaskan heritage. I only wish that I had been told the
truth.
Name: WSM
Email:
Location: Va USA
Date: Tuesday, July 28,
1998 at 23: 11: 46
Comments: As an adoptee and
the parent of two wonderful adopted children, the best info that I can give
is to start in the beginning to explain adoption and NEVER keep it a secret.
I don't know when I first heard the word "adoption" and if you were to ask
my children when they first learned about their adoption they couldn't tell
you, other than saying, "I always knew!" Always be willing to answer their
questions and always let them know that if a time comes up that they want to
search you'll do everything you can to help them. I know, I am 58 and just
now trying to find my birth parents. It is difficult, as I was born Bruce
------------------- in Trenton, NJ to ------------------ . Put out to foster
homes several times and finally into the New Jersey Home Society of Trenton.
I was finally adopted by a wonderful couple. Now for health reasons I need
to know any information I can. I do know I have half birth siblings and have
lots of info about my birth parents. New Jersey really hurts those of us who
want/need to know things of our birth parents. I'd be happy to hear from
anyone who has contacts or ideas on where to go next.
Name: Suzy
Location: Houston, Tx
Date: Wednesday, July 22,
1998 at 11: 04: 46
Comments: My adoptive
parents gave me the best that life can offer and I love them dearly, but
they could never have known, nor did I, that I would ever have the need to
know, love & grieve my birth mother, Sarah. I regret that I will never know
Sarah because she died 5 years ago, before I started my search. I'm sorry to
say I never thought about her much & never thought much about her, a woman
who would abandon a baby. I was happy with my adoptive parents and family.
Little did I know that at 35 yr. old I would desperately need my medical
history and little did I know that my records contained the most beautiful,
touching letter my birth mother wrote after my birth--she truly loved me. My
ignorance & naivety robbed me of any thoughts of searching for her and the
system conned us both. I am blessed with very special adoptive parents, but
I would have been equally blessed if I could have reunited with Sarah. If
only I had known what I should have been encouraged to know. If only I had
known birth mothers are very special, and not terrible, unthinkable secrets.
If only I were much wiser much younger, I would have known Sarah.
Name: Denise
Email:
Location: Utah USA
Date: Monday, July 20, 1998
at 18: 38: 09
Comments: My husband was
adopted at birth. I never realized how good he had it until reading some of
the letters here. He has always known he was adopted, but has never felt
less than whole. He has never felt as if he needed to search for his birth
parents. He grew up happy, well adjusted, and very much loved. I only wish
more adopted children could have as wonderful a life as he has had. Because
of the love and support he has from his adoptive parents, he feels strongly
about adopting children of his own. To show them the same love and
understanding that he always had--and still has. I thank his birth mother
for giving him up. Her selfless act insured him of a happy, healthy life
that has made him a wonderful husband and father. Whoever you are, thank
you. And to everyone else who feels as though a "piece" is missing...I hope
you find it.
Name: Susan
Email:
Location: Dayton, Oh United
States
Date: Sunday, July 19, 1998
at 11: 43: 38
Comments: I'm happy to
hear about so many happy adoptees. However not all of us were that lucky. I
thought for the longest time that being adopted didn't matter until one day
I had two children of my own and suddenly it became all to clear to me that
no matter what problems faced me, I would never leave my children. I hope
that all new adoptive parents will do their children a favor and provide
them with an open adoption. This doesn't mean you have to let the birth
mother have any say in how you raise your child - she gave up that right
when she signed the papers - but make sure that your child has the option of
knowing their family history. Every time I go to a new doctor I have to
watch the look on their face after they ask for a medical history and I have
to tell them none is available. They always apologize like they have just
found out some dirty little secret. The best thing an adoptive parent can do
for their child is to KNOW the reason you are adopting. Be able to tell the
child everything when they ask. And never make them feel like they owe you
for rescuing them from some unknown life. I wake up some mornings and I
wonder who I look like, and why was I so different from my adoptive family.
If environment plays such an important role in life, why was I so different
from my brother. Who was the biological child of my parents. You must go
into adoption with your eyes wide open and realize that this was a choice
for you but that we adoptees had no say in the matter. Even as adults we
still have no right to know who we are or where we came from. This is
something that most people take for granted - that is not the case for adult
adoptees. So be open and honest with your children and never down play how
they feel even if it hurts you. Remember that this was not a choice they
made. They may even feel like nothing more than property that can be bought
and sold.
Name: BETH
Email:
Date: Thursday, July 16,
1998 at 15: 45: 56
Comments: That my searching
for my birth parents is not intended to hurt them. I have a need to fill
this hole in my life. I love them dearly.
Name: Jennifer
Email:
Location: Arlington
Heights, IL
Date: Wednesday, July 15,
1998 at 21: 48: 44
Comments: I must be naive,
because I am surprised and saddened by some of the stories here. For any
parents looking to adopt, I would say, go for it! I am 18 and was adopted as
an infant (10/7/79, in Chicago, IL, adopted through JCB, just in case my
birth mother, Margaret --------------- should see this -- I am looking for
her!). My parents (adoptive parents) told me from the day they brought me
home, "We are so lucky that we got to adopt you." This way they told me the
truth and gave me the message that adoption made our family special, rather
than wrong. They also never withheld any information from me and are
completely supportive of my searching for my birth mother. I feel they have
done the best job any parents, biological or adoptive could ever do, and I
also know that my birth mother did the hardest and most selfless thing by
giving me up! Just a success story for anyone reading.
Name: Jennifer
Location: WI USA
Date: Tuesday, July 14,
1998 at 13: 12: 07
Comments: I am a 27 year
old mother of one. I was adopted at birth in Madison, WI. My birth mother
was a school teacher and her last name was Johnson. I have fair skin, blonde
hair and blue eyes. I stand only 5'3". Horses, writing and singing are my
passions. If my mother could read this I'd want her to know that my parents
raised me well. I've known I was adopted since I was four years old. That is
one thing I would change. I was always different. Most people don't
understand what is like to cry every Mother's day and not know why. Most
people can't understand the ache in my heart when I realized the woman who
carried and nurtured me for nine months, gave me away. Now, when I look in
the beautiful blue eyes of my little girl and kiss her good night, I
wonder...does she ache too? For those of you looking to adopt, I applaud
you. I also caution you, that a child can love you and still feel as if
something is missing. Don't ever feel less than a wonderful parent. Give
them the understanding that they need to heal.
Name: Robin
CA
Date: Sunday, July 12, 1998
at 20: 07: 41
Comments: I forgot one
thing I wished to emphasize in my previous posting - which is that if
adoptive parents were to push for fairness and respect in adoption law -
change would DEFINITELY happen. Adoptees are infants or children,
surrendering mothers are typically young and powerless - and the ONLY part
of the 'triad' who can really make a difference is the adoptive parent.
Certainly, to lobby or work toward fair practice in surrender and
information available to adoptees and birth families after the fact - would
take the adoptive parent's willingness to 'give up' the overwhelming 'power'
and 'upper hand' that they now enjoy. Still, I think adoptive
parents/prospective adoptive parents ARE capable of this altruism, and hope
to see the day that they begin to make headway in helping the efforts that
until now, are overwhelmingly represented by adoptees and birth families.
Thanks for taking the time to read my views/thoughts. rjb
Name: Robin
--------------
Email:
CA
Date: Sunday, July 12, 1998
at 19: 56: 38
Comments: I am an adult
adoptee, reunited for 7 years with all of my family. I always felt 'alone'
and 'different', although I do not believe that this has to do with my
adoptive parents upbringing of me. It just has to do with ME. I think that
just as people are different, adoptees are different - depending on the
person, being adopted will affect them in different ways, to different
'severities'. I wish adoptive parents would NOT see adopting as a 'fix' to
being infertile, and to acknowledge BEFORE adopting, that the adoptee is
NEVER going to be the child they never had. And that nurture does NOT
supersede nature. And I wish adoptive parents would deal with their
insecurities/etc, and lobby to make adoption laws FAIR - so that mothers are
not coerced out of their children, and that when an adoptee wants/needs to
know - whether the adoptee is 5 or 10 or 22 - he/she can make a simple
request and get ALL records. Searching should NOT have to happen, there
should not be so many people trying to find. Everyone - birth family members
and adoptees - should simply be given any and all information as soon as
they ask for it.
Name: Heather
--------
Email:
mailto:%20hturtle@hotmail.com
Location: Eugene, OR USA
Date: Friday, July 3, 1998
at 21: 55: 58
Comments: I'm an adoptive
mom. I read a lot of the entries and was amazed at the amount of people
searching for their birth parents. I'm glad to say my daughter is in an open
adoption, she gets to visit, phone, and send letters to her biological
mother. I received her at 3 1/2 and I couldn't imagine taking her in and
dismissing her biological family. My only regret is that after I received my
daughter, her biological mother had two more children and they were placed
in a closed adoption due to safety reasons of their father. My daughter's
biological father didn't cause any threats and has visits as well. So I've
seen the pain my daughter has gone through losing these sisters after
visiting with them for 5 years, before the adoption finalized for them. My
advice to adoptive families is openness, children understand more than you
think. For birth mothers and fathers, not all adoptive families don't want
you around they may just not know how to communicate. Remember for all the
child is the main issue. Adjust as needed for their sake.
Name: Deborah
Email:
Location: AZ USA
Date: Wednesday, July 1,
1998 at 19: 27: 22
Comments: I wish my
adoptive parents had never made the choice to adopt. My childhood was filled
with neglect and abuse. What I would like my birth parents to know...I
survived and am doing very well and I thank them every day for choosing
adoption over abortion. I don't have any names yet...just started my search.
I was born in the Phoenix area (5/25/65) and adopted at birth through an
agency called "Family Services". I do know that my birth mother was
approximately 16-17 years old and unwed. The doctor's name was Dr. Eicher or
Iker (not sure of the spelling). I had red hair in infancy that darkened up
in my teen years. I am very fair skinned, freckles and blue eyes. If you
placed a child up for adoption around that time please email me.
Name: Sherrie
Email:
Location: BC Canada
Date: Wednesday, July 1,
1998 at 14: 40: 27
Comments: I wish my birth
mom knew how hard life has been without her! No one to know the past with.
Name: Autumn
--------------
Email:
Location: Birmingham, , AL
USA
Date: Wednesday, July 1,
1998 at 12: 07: 16
Comments: Being adopted
sometimes is really a hassle, especially when the parents who adopted you
get divorced and remarried to other people. Then you have a biological set
of parents, adoptive parents, and stepparents. I know this seems silly, but
it seems that a day doesn't go by and you are having to explain something
related to your family, and you have to explain which parent, and no one
understands and you have to go through your whole life story to everyone.
Never, ever hide anything from an adoptee know matter how old, how young,
whatever. If they are old enough to start wondering about their past, where
they came from, and who they are, they are definitely old enough to hear the
truth and the only thing that you can tell them to hurt them is nothing at
all.
Name: Nance
Email:
Location: Savannah, NY usa
Date: Friday, June 26, 1998
at 13: 30: 41
Comments: I wish that my
adoptive family had been more open about my being adopted.... I think its a
wrong thing to not talk about adoption, if it's not discussed, I think the
adopted child feels that there is something wrong with being adopted, like
it's a bad thing... So Ii think its a positive thing to let adoptive
children know why there are with you, etc.. and make it a special thing to
share with adoptive parents.
Name: Lisa
Email:
Location: CA USA
Date: Monday, June 1, 1998
at 23: 31: 37
Comments: I am very
grateful to all members of my family, adoptive and birth, and I hope someday
to have the opportunity to share my great respect for my birth parents face
to face! I feel very fortunate to have my family and don't feel they could
be better parents. I have a sister who is my parent's natural child, and an
adoptive brother, and I can see that there is truly no difference in the
love they give all of us! I was told since before I can remember that I was
adopted - how that meant that my birth family loved me so much that they
wanted me to have more than they could provide. I encourage all who are
considering adoption as an option for their unborn child or to adopt to do
it! I say my birth parents gave birth to me and then gave me life by placing
me in a great home! If you are searching for a daughter born in L.A. area
6/10/67 it might be me!
Name: Tracy ---------
Email: -
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
USA
Date: Monday, June 1, 1998
at 22: 44: 07
Comments: I am a 26 year
old adoptee. I have known my birth parents (birth mother and birth father
are married) for 5 years now. And, although I am certainly grateful for the
life I have lead, being adopted is something that I agonize over often. I
guess the only thing I wish my adoptive parents did as I was growing up, and
now, is to acknowledge reality. I was told I was adopted when I was 12 years
old. I don't know anything about being an adoptive parent, but I know how it
feels when you find out that the people you thought were your blood for 12
years, are not. Please let your children know early. There is no denying it,
we are different. Although I know not telling me was done out of well
meaning, it made me feel like a dirty secret. That if relatives knew I was
adopted, it would make me less of their family or something. I still feel
that way when adoptive relatives are surprised to hear about my "other
family". I wish it could be open and more comfortable, that's all. Although
I love my adoptive parents very much, and my birth parents very much, I will
never have peace of mind about being adopted. It's not a selfish thing, but
a very real and honest thing. You can have the most positive and rewarding
life (which I try to do!!), however, it never gets easier to choke down the
feeling of being given away. It may have been the right decision at the
time, and a very selfless one, also, but , nevertheless, I was still given
away, and that will never change. I guess what I would tell adoptive
parents, is to always be open and honest with your children's feelings.
Don't romanticize adoption, be honest about it.
Name: Janice --------
Email:
Location: B.C.
Canada
Date: Saturday, May 30,
1998 at 16: 22: 18
Comments: Hello, I am a
birth mom who spent 2 hrs reading all the stories in this site. Some are
very eye opening and some are heart wrenching. I hope that my son had a good
upbringing and that he knows he was adopted and is or will be searching for
me someday. I was a 15 yr old girl when I gave my son up for adoption. I had
him on Jan 13 1970 in the General Hospital Sault Ste. Marie Ont. I held him
and fed him for one week and got his baby picture. His birth father came to
visit me and gave me the money to get the pictures. My family thought it was
best that I didn't have the pictures as it wouldn't allow me to forget my
son. I never have forgotten him or given up hope that I would be reunited
with him. I have always shared my experience with anyone who would listen. I
am a nurse and have especially tried to be involved with young moms who are
unsure whether to keep their child or give them up into hopefully a better
life. I hope that someday either my son or someone who knows him reads this.
Thanks to all who shared and for allowing me to share.
Name: Lorraine
---------- from Newark:
Email:
Location:
Wood Dale, IL US
Date: Wednesday, May 20,
1998 at 13: 54: 01
Comments: After having
two beautiful daughters and one darling granddaughter, I have a pretty good
insight as to what my birth mother may look like. I have watched them grow
and think I know what she would have been like but it is not the same as
'knowing her'. I would dearly love to give my family a heritage/lineage from
my side. They have wonderful paternal lineage but my side started in Newark
about 47 years ago and I cannot give them anything of my past ancestors. A
truly eerie thing has been happening around the Chicago area for the last
dozen years and I know that there is a saying 'everybody has a twin' but it
is strange nonetheless. I have lived in this area since 1954 and starting
about 1985 people who know me, work with me and are dear to me have said
they have seen me in places that I haven't been (at the stated time). The
best man at my wedding stated he saw me on a flight back from Cancun; a lady
I worked with stated she saw me playing a piano at a downtown hotel and all
she could remember was the name was like that of a vacuum manufacturer
(possibly Hoover). My best friend saw me once entering the Dirkson building
and a co-worker saw me at Scottsdale Mall on the south side of Chicago.
Another co-worker saw me at a Shell gas station in Mount Prospect. And
lastly, someone on the internet is looking for a Kinney in upstate New York,
NJ, CT, VT and MASS and that information was given to me when I asked this
cyberpal about Anna ----------. All this is bizarre to say the least and has
me wondering if I have a twin or a sister out there looking for answers as
well. I pray that I will be successful in finding someone who can provide a
key to that mystery and/or my birth mother. There is so much to share, so
much love to give and many open arms here waiting to hug and shed tears of
joy and happiness. Good luck to all that search and my prayers for your
hearts to be full of peace.
Name: Pam
Date: Wednesday, May 20,
1998 at 12: 14: 09
Comments: I wish my parents
had known that it was not necessary to answer questions like "where did she
get her hair color?"; that it is more important to think about how your
child will react to words in the long run than how some impertinent stranger
will react today. I wish they had known how big a deal it is to have to give
up dreams of having biological children and investigate adoption. I wish
somehow they could know how a person can love a child at the moment of birth
and forever. I hope they can understand that all three of "us: " they, my
birth mother, and I, all need(ed) each other in the grand scheme of life.
Name: Kellie Kane
Email:
Location: Australia
Date: Monday, May 18, 1998
at 21: 09: 08
Comments: I was born on the
28th December 1978. The fact that I was adopted was never hidden from me,
although it is hard for a 5 year old to understand, I just knew it made me
different from my adoptive brother. I have a great relationship with my
adoptive parents who have made many sacrifices for me. So, when last year I
received a letter from a counseling center down South, I found that my
biological mother wanted to get in contact with me. Even though my adoptive
parents told me to do whatever felt right to me, I couldn't bring myself to
do it. Three weeks after I said no to any contact with her, my biological
mother was killed in a car accident. I never got to meet her, I never got to
say that I cared for her, or even to see her face. Since then I have met my
half sister and two half brothers, all three of whom are younger then I. The
eldest, Erin, told me that she used to talk about me a lot, and more then
anything in the world she wanted to see me. I placed roses on her grave.
Erin told me that they were her favorite flower. She gave me up for adoption
because her boyfriend (not my father), abused both her and me. She gave me
up to protect me, and her only wish was to see me again. Please, if you have
an opportunity to meet your biological parents (even if its not really what
you want) then do it. There are no rules that say you have to continue to
have contact with them. Even though I love my adoptive family, I would not
give up my biological half brothers and sister for anything in the world.
It's a pity it took a death to realize it.
Name: Teri -----
Location:
CO USA
Date: Thursday, May 14,
1998 at 14: 18: 32
Comments: 1. They would
have recognized my search (successful) as an issue about me instead of them.
2. They would have rocked the boat with my grandparents and confronted them
about their referral to my cousins as "blood kin". 3. They would have
stopped saying that they loved me as much as they would have loved a birth
child. How would they know? 4. They would acknowledge my pain.
Name: Stephanie
--------
Email:
Location: San Antonio, TX
USA
Date: Sunday, May 3, 1998
at 19: 59: 31
Comments: hello, I am 19yrs
old and looking for my biological parents. I have a twin sister and an 18
month younger sister. My twin and I were born on Feb. 18, 1979 and my
younger sister was born on Aug. 12, 1980, all of us were born in Downtown
San Antonio, TX, USA. Our biological names...my twin was Jennifer
----------, mine Jonette ----------, and my younger sisters was Elizabeth
------------. Our biological parents names are Carl ----------- (may be
spelled with a K) and Cynthia --------- (may be Carol). The State took us
away because my b-mom couldn't take care of us because she was so young and
my father was an alcoholic. We were adopted when my twin and I were around
2yrs old too a wonderful women who adopted 3 girls in the early 80's, which
was hard to do when you are a single teacher. I would really like to get to
know them and know where I come from, I know that I may have some Comanche
in me, but I don't know for sure. My twin and I have dyslexia and have ADHD.
We are both good at math and science and love to read and draw. My younger
sister isn't good at math, but is good at everything else and loves to draw
as well. We do know that my b-dad was a great drawer and had sent some to my
a-mom, but they have gotten lost. When we were younger we did get to see our
biological parents the 1st yr. after the adoption, but then my b-mom became
pregnant again and had another child (I think it was a boy, but I am not
sure) after that, she told my mom not to come over or call again...I was too
young to remember what she looks like, although I do sometimes have visions
(wonder if my b-parents have this power too) of her, though I cant see her
face and that hurts. I did see my b-gradparents a few time, they were really
nice, one of them used to send booties for us each christmas, but then we
moved and haven't gotten any since. We have one pic of before we were
adopted, its a house by a ranch or something, but I don't know where it is,
I also have a pic of my b-grandparents. The thing is that when we met them,
I didn't know who they were, my mom didn't tell me that they were my
b-grandparents, I just thought that they were some nice old folks that were
friends of my a-moms family. All of us have blond/brown hair and green-blue
eyes. We are all around 5 ft 5 in, my younger sister is taller and is almost
5 ft 8 in. I was told when I was little that I was adopted but I didn't
believe it (don't ask, childhood thing, didn't want to be different), but
didn't believe it until I found my birth certificate (sp, runs in the
family) and it had my birth time and my twins birth time was on hers, when
they redid the birth certificates they mixed up the 1st and 2nd born on top
but had the right times, we hope, though we are not sure. We are all
athletic and love music. We would really love it if someone could help us
out, because we have tried and well, we have to go to court to get all of
the records. I want to get to know my parents I don't want anything else
from them, except maybe for them to be able to see my graduate this yr., we
are all going to be graduating at the same time, except from my twin. My
twin has been hurt so much by this adoption that she has dropped out of
school and doesn't live at home anymore. I don't know what is worse, her not
talking to me anymore (its a twin thing, we were best friends, we confined
in each other about everything) or any of the rest of the family and she has
moved out. I am hoping to find my b-parents, so that maybe they can help me
with this too. My a-mom always tells us that if we don't like our lives with
her then we should go find our real mom and dad and maybe they would be
better, this hurts so much. Well I don't know what else to put here, there
are a lot of things that I don't know, and there are a lot of things that I
do know. Please, someone help me to find my b-parents (or if you are out
there, contact me), I want to know them and for them to come to my
graduation. I also want them to fill this void that has been in my heart and
soul since I can remember. stephI (Jonette ----------------------, boy it
fells good to use that.) P.S. ---------- is my native american name mixed
with my nickname, -------- is "one with animals and children" and star is my
nick. Why is it I am good with kids? ok, I will stop asking questions,
because I don't think there is enough room for them all. : )
Name: Chantel -----
Email: -
Location: CA USA
Date: Tuesday, April 28,
1998 at 01: 25: 25
Comments: I read this poem
in a book that was given to me by a friend. The book is called "Torn from
the Heart" by Louise Jurgens. It is the true story of a Birthmothers Search
for her daughter she surrendered for adoption. It is a very good book. The
Legacy of an Adopted Child Once there were two women who never knew each
other, One you do not remember, the other you call mother. Two different
lives shaped to make yours one. One became your guiding star, the other
became your sun. The first gave you life, the second taught you to live in
it. One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name. One gave you the
seed of talent, the other gave you an aim. One gave you emotions, the other
calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your
tears. One gave you up, it was all she could do, the other prayed for a
child, and God led her straight to you. And now you ask me through your
tears, the age old questions through the years. Hereditary or environment,
which are you the product of, neither my darling, neither, just two
different kinds of love.
Name: Chantel
-------
Email:
Location: CA USA
Date: Tuesday, April 28,
1998 at 01: 12: 53
Comments: I am a 34 year
old adoptee. For as long as I can remember I have known. Sometimes I don't
think a young child understands exactly what that means. My adoptive mother
has always been very open with me throughout my life. I have 2 brothers and
2 sisters. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 7 years old, but I was
lucky enough to be raised by a wonderful step-father. My adoptive mother
always told me that if I ever wanted to search for my birth mother, she had
some information that might help. Boy, did it help! In September of 1997 I
started my search. I was lucky enough to have a last name to start my
search. On Oct. 28, 1997 I "accidentally" found a brother. He was very
excited and happy to finally have a sister. He was only 3 years old when I
was born and never knew about me. He only lives about 55 miles away. I also
found 2 aunts (birth mother's sisters) and they are also very happy. We keep
in touch often. Of course I now know who my birth mother is and where she
lives. (only about 30 miles away) The problem is, she does not want to
communicate with me. She thinks that I want something from her. She has been
told by her sister that I would just like to talk to her or to meet her just
once. My presence has brought back a lot of bad memories for her. I have
accepted that fact. She has my phone number and will call when she is ready.
I am now searching for my birth father. Birth mother has changed her story
on who it is. I have petitioned the courts, but out here in CA they will
deny you access. But I will continue. Some advice to those that are starting
to search: Try not to go into your search expecting anything, that way you
will not be too hurt if it does not turn out the way that you want it to. I
know it is hard, believe me! For adoptive parents, try to be as open and you
can. It will pay off for you in the long run. My adoptive mother is very
happy for me, but she also knows that SHE is my mother no matter what! Good
luck to all who are searching.
Name: JODY --------
Email: -
Location: WI U.S.A.
Date: Saturday, April 25,
1998 at 22: 30: 36
Comments: I am 22 years
old. I was born 8-26-75, my b.c. says in La Crosse, WI. at St. Francis
Hospital. As a little girl, since the age of 4, when I found out I was
adopted wondered about my mother. My father never even entered the picture.
I assumed my mother was unwed & that my father never knew or cared. Being
told that young was the best thing my parents ever did. I grew up with it
always being a part of me. But, they could not, or would not, answer any of
my questions. I was always different from everyone else in my family, I was
naturally affectionate & loving... my family wasn't. They loved me, but
always from a distance. I am looking for answers, too many to list here. But
the essential one was, DO YOU LOVE ME ?? I am looking for information on my
birth mother or birth father. I am not looking for you to make it "all
right", I am looking for you to make it better. I am no longer the princess
in the fairy tale. The empty space inside me that calls out for information
would dearly love to hear from you. If you have ANY info, please contact me.
I love my parents, even though they were physically & emotionally abusive
when I was young. My capacity to forgive is one of my greatest strengths...
Did I get it from you ??
Name: Lisa ------
Email:
Location: Tacoma, Wa. USA
Date: Thursday, April 23,
1998 at 01: 13: 38
Comments: I am a 34 y.o.
woman who cannot remember when she didn't ask the questions of my adoptive
parents "where did I get my eyes from?", "what did my bparents look like?",
and "where did I get my coloring from?". To this day all that I know about
my birth mother is that she liked to roller-skate and chew bubble gum.
That's a revelation, coming from the 60's! I lost my adoptive father just a
couple of years ago which put a major strain on my relationship with my
adoptive mother which was already only cordial, so to ask her any ?s about
my adoption and/or birth parents would probably kill what little
relationship we have left. As a child whenever I would ask any ?s I would
have the subject changed or ignored or something of that nature. Talk about
feeling rejected, abandoned, and lost- add to that not even having your
deepest feelings validated. Anyway, I was approximately 3 weeks old at the
time of my adoption. Born on 02-01-64 at Maynard Hospital in Seattle,
Washington. The agency that did the adoption was Children's Home Society of
Washington. I have three adoptive siblings, 2 of whom were also adopted. My
adoptive sister is also interested in locating her bfamily roots. My
adoptive brother is not at all interested. I just don't understand why some
adoptive parents imply (quite strongly, I might add) that this is a taboo
subject. To me it is so nice to hear from other people that my three girls
born to me look so much like me. My reasons for finding my birth family
history has changed somewhat since the birth of my own children, but am just
beginning to actively look. Because of finances and other obstacles I have
not been able to try in the past, but I had heard on the t.v. or radio that
I might be able to search through the internet for only pennies, so as soon
as I was able to get the equipment I started looking for help online. If
anyone knows of any information that might help me please e-mail me at
-------------------------------- Thank-you for letting me air my feelings
and desires.
Name: Heather
-------
Email:
Location: NE 69337
Date: Wednesday, April 22,
1998 at 21: 48: 47
Comments: Never, never keep
the adoption a secret from your family or from the adoptee. If you do it
will only cause hate and discontent in your life later on. If you are
planning to adopt a child in a closed adoption situation, keep and remember
everything that you can. Start a folder of things that you know about the
birth parents. When your child becomes of majority age in your state, and in
the event that they want to know who their birth parents are they will find
the information that you kept the most valuable gift you could have ever
have given them next to a loving and caring family. Thank you, Heather
(Adoptee)
This is the end of the list of responses
that I have edited the identifying information from. If you would like
to add your story and statement to this list please email your addition to
bbetzen@openadoption.org. If
you want, I will leave your email and name in the posting. Since I do
not have such approval from those who originally posted back in 1998 to this
list that I helped form, I have deleted that identifying information until I
should receive permission to post such. The above postings underline the
simple fact that truth in adoption is crucial!
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Bill Betzen LMSW (Emeritus) |
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